Uncertainty

Disclamer: This will not be a positive happy blog.


The whole summer has been so hard for me. You think that would have clued me in to some of what went down the past few months, but honestly, I still feel like out of no where a truck ran me over.

I don't know how I feel about anything anymore. To try to keep my thoughts somewhat organized and on track, I'm going to do this blog as a list:

1.) Fall already started?
Didn't summer classes just end? I feel so unorganized. I have nothing I need for my classes, I don't even really know what we are doing in any of them. Most would say it's the second week, that's fine, but I have three exams next week. I need to know what's going on... Also, I don't feel excited for any of my classes this time around and my professors are all pretty lame this semester :(

2.) Friendships/Relationships
I'm so tired of getting lied to and being disappointed. In the past 6 months, I lost two very important people to me. In both situations, I never saw such dramatic changes taking place. Normally if someone would say that to me, I would advise them to do some introspection and ask what they might have been doing wrong instead of blaming others, but honestly, i can't think of wrong choices I made. What it comes down to is complete dishonesty killed both relationships. As more time passes, these people continue to blow my mind. The choices and actions they are making are so uncharacteristic of the people I knew. How can I honestly have not seen this in them? Two of my closest friends/loved ones? How?

3.) Trust & Love
I've never felt so cynical in my life. I feel like I've always gave people the benefit of the doubt, always had a "it could still work out" outlook, but i see that changing very fast. I'm really starting to doubt that real love exists. People can enjoy one another, but I'm not sure there is such a thing as a "life partner" or even a friend who will ALWAYS be there. I feel like my expectations for people are sky rocketing to an unrealistic point which is kind of like a lose lose. Even having this realization of the changes in me isn't making it any easier to stop it from happening though. :(

4.) My future
I have no idea what I want to do now. I am supposed to apply for graduate school this semester. Honestly, I don't know if I can or want to do it now. I know I need to, but I feel so lost.



To wrap it up, I'm really confused about a lot of things. What do I know though?
I know I want to hang out with more people. I'd like to say that means meet more people in Tallahassee, but it's just not my environment. I would really like to reconnect with some people from high school. I know I need to keep my weekends busy.

Any tips on any of this?