Still On Top

I'm still feeling great from the weekend. I love this feeling.

I was supposed to work 11-6 today, but someone called out and I came in early. I love working the morning shift, so that was an awesome plus too :) Work was actually pretty busy. I thought everyone would be too busy grilling out or something, but I guess not. I work Tuesday morning, Wednesday night, and Thursday morning too.

Tomorrow is going to be so hectic. I have work from 7am-2pm, then I have to rush to campus at 2:30pm to order my cap and gown, rush to the other side of campus for a meeting with my professor at 4pm, then head home to change, make dinner, and head BACK to campus for the first night of summer volunteer training. I'm SO excited for training. It'll be my first semester as a paid staff and I can't wait to meet the new volunteers.

I really need to study for a test I have Wednesday, but I'm so unfocused. I'm still thinking about the weekend, and next weekend. lol I'm so happy. I hope the rest of summer is like this. I'm getting more and more anxious about graduation. It still seems unreal that I'm graduating. I got my announcements, and started mailing them out to family and friends. They look BEAUTIFUL. I'm so happy with them. Gosh, August is going to be here before you know it! I can't wait :D

I'm getting really close to 1,000 views. That seems crazy to me. I'm still not sure who all reads my blog, but it's been really fun for me at least. Thanks guys.

Long Weekend Love

I feel great right now. :D I have been the happiest I have been in a long time over the past few days. I want to bottle up this feeling and keep it forever. I hope it lasts.

My "long" weekend has been fantastic. Robbie came up to visit Thursday night. We've been hanging out, goofing off, eating good food, and today we went kayaking. It was great, even though we're a little sun burnt now. We did some awesome exploring this time around that I was too scared to do with Mallory. Saw some turtles and fish, and even a snake. I was terrified by the snake though. Robbie is probably the worst person to go kayaking with if you're scared of falling in. lol He kept picking up speed and crashing right into my kayak. lol Then he tethered his kayak to mine and made me paddle him around. Great friend, right? It was amazing :D

Making some dinner and finally watching No Strings Attached. How ironic, lol.


I'm so happy :D

At The End Of The Day...

So things haven't gotten any less hectic, tiring, or stressful, but I finally got a better understanding of something I really needed. It's given me a more positive outlook on things overall. I'm glad for it.

My mission these days is to make and save as much money as possible. I have so many expenses over the next few months. I just spent a ton of money this past weekend on the security deposit for my new apartment, my nephew's birthday, gas, food, and graduation announcements. Now I have to get my oil changed, budget for furniture for the new apartment, a mattress, my credit card bill, my trip to New Jersey and some other miscellaneous items I want more than I need.

Money is stressing me out, but like I said, I'm feeling better than the past two weeks. I REALLY hope it stays this way now. Speech is still really crappy. I hate that class. I can't wait for the first summer session to be over. I don't have any big plans for memorial day weekend. I have to work on the extra day off, so it's kind of like a normal weekend for me. Maybe if things go my way Robbie will come up here and we'll go kayaking. :)

Hectic! Hectic! Hectic!

Things have been so crazy lazy. I know that's a generic adjective to describe it, but I need something that lumps all the emotions together that I've been feeling. This has felt like the longest two weeks ever. I've cried, I've yelled, I haven't cared, I cared too much. It's just been the cliched emotional roller coaster. It doesn't make sense either. I've been so busy from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to sleep, so why has it felt so long and awful? Here's a look at what I've been doing...
Monday: class 8am-10am, work 11am-6pm
Tuesday: work 7am-2pm, Crisis hotline 5:30pm-8:00pm
Wednesday: Crisis hotline 8-11ish, class 12:30-2:30, work 4:00pm-11pm
Thursday: work 7am-2pm, Crisis hotline 5:30-8:00pm
Friday: class 2:30-2:30pm

How can I be that busy, and time drag? I feel so exhausted.

Anyway, moving on. I came home this weekend. I can't tell you how badly I needed it. Like I said, it's been a long, exhausting two weeks. I've been very unhappy and stressed. Coming home has helped that so much. I feel like some of the things I've been stressing about have cleared. I got to spend time with friends. Amanda and I FINALLY signed our lease for August. That definitely took a load off my shoulders. I'm super excited. We have to plan and budget for some furniture and moving costs now. It's going to be great!

My nephew's 4th birthday party is tomorrow too. My sister invited all of Pre-K and Kindergarten. 86 kids RSVPed, and who knows how many will just randomly show up. My sister rented two bounce houses, a cotton candy machine, a snow cone machine, and we're grilling out for everyone. It's going to be nuts. lol I'll definitely post some pictures after this weekend.

So basically this post is to say I'm feeling a little better. I don't want it to be like the other post I said I felt better on. That one ended up being premature. I really hope this rough start to summer is winding down.

Kick Me When I'm Down

I don't know if I'm putting forth my time and energy anymore because I WANT to be here. Because I KNOW this is what I love...


Or if I'm allowing myself to be walked ALL over, beaten down, and taken advantage of.



I just don't know...

Sweet Summertime

Things haven't been so great lately. I've been feeling really unhappy and agitated. I guess I'm just feeling blah in general. I hate my speech class and it hasn't really hit me that this is my last semester at FSU. I really just want to have things figured out. I've been applying for some jobs in Gainesville. Amanda and I found an apartment we really like, but we have to wait on her to get the money for the deposit. I hope things work out for the fall. It's going to be my first time in life completely out on my own. No financial aid to help me. No more taking out loans, it's paying off loans time. It's really weird.

A lot of exciting things are happening this summer too though. I got the paid position at the crisis hotline for training volunteers. I've done this for three consecutive semesters now, but this will be the first time I get paid for it, so that's pretty awesome. I hope it's an awesome batch of volunteers. I really like training the new people. I feel like I can really relate to them, having been through it myself, and having been sort of a worry wort when I went through it.

I also booked a trip to New Jersey for September. One of my sister's best friends is getting married labor day weekend. My sister asked if I wanted to go and I thought it'd be a fun thing for us to do. The air fare wasn't that bad. I'm kind of nervous though. It'll be the first time I've been to New Jersey since we helped move my dad down to Florida. I feel like I'm going to stick out like sore thumb. I'm kind of excited too though. I've kept in touch with a few people and it'd be pretty cool to see them. Plus I never got to experience New Jersey like my sister did because I was raised in Florida for my influential years. It should be interesting visiting with my sister and her friends. I'm really excited.

Mallory and I went kayaking on the FSU Reservation today. The Rez is 73 acres of land FSU owns for the students. There's a lake and they have a bunch of stuff for students to do for free. It was so fun. I've never been kayaking before, but it wasn't that hard. It was relaxing to be outside, with the breeze, gliding along the lake. It was perfect timing too. We were on the water for about an hour, and right as we got to shore they started clearing the lake because a storm was coming.



I have to finish up a speech that's due Monday. This class is seriously stressing me out. I get such anxiety from speaking in public. It's not being in front of a crowd, I don't get too nervous doing presentations at the hotline, it's just the actual speech. I hate it. It's too formal to be comfortable. Please God make these next six weeks fly by.

A Little Extra Effort

This might be preemptive, but I feel better tonight. My last few posts were dramatic, but I HAVE been feeling stressed out and sad. I hope I don't follow this post up with another angry, sad one.

Please. PLEASE keep making me happy like tonight.

Whining Doesn't Make The Problem Go Away

I'm over it. I'm OVER it. I'm over it!






.......who am I kidding? :(

Summer Session

Day two of summer classes and I'm BEYOND exhausted. I'm taking speech the first half of summer and then a criminology course the second half of summer. I just applied for graduation, and I think my diploma is going to be wrong. It says I'm a criminology major, and I'm not. I'm a psychology major, criminology minor. Not really sure what to do about that though...

Anyway, speech is nuts. I already have a speech due Monday. I'm so nervous for this class. I hate public speaking and I haven't had to write anything like this for so long. I also called my job two days in a row to find out if I can go to work. They didn't schedule me because they got confused about my summer availability, but someone called out one day, and then I did some extra cleaning today for hours. I have never worked so hard at winn-dixie like I did today. It was ridiculous. I was scrubbing everything. I'm going to be so sore tomorrow.

Being back in Tallahassee is awful. I'm not adjusting well...I've never adjusted well. I want to be back home with my family. I don't want my friends falling off the face of the earth when I'm here like they have been acting. It's stupid. Just because I'm gone, things shouldn't change. Ugh!

My mom is moving to Gainesville this weekend. I don't think I'll be able to go home and help. I need to get this speech figured out. I'm so tired, but hopefully this was an adequate update of how summer is going so far. Nothing new...still loathing Tallahassee.

Square One

I'm feeling kind of sad right now. The majority of this is probably caused by the fact that I have to go back to Tallahassee tomorrow. Every time I come home for more than just a weekend, it's so dang hard going back. I don't even hate Tallahassee like I used to. I think it's just because I have so much more important things to me here. I can't stand leaving. No matter how much people tell me, "It's your last semester, the time will fly by". No, you don't get it. It's still three months more away from where I want to be.

Whatever. I know I have to go.

It's more than Tallahassee though. I had this overwhelming sensation of deja vu earlier. I felt exactly like I did after Thomas and I broke up. Riding around town, not wanting to go home, but not having any place to go, feeling unhappy and getting sadder and sadder just driving around. I hate that feeling. It's really lonely. I don't want to be stuck in that feeling again and I shouldn't have to be here. Things need to change. I feel like I'm my own destruction though. It's in my power not to be here, in this situation, but I'm still not changing it.

I guess you could say I haven't reached my breaking point yet. I'm pretty dissatisfied with how things are right now, so I can't even imagine what my "breaking point" is though. I just want stability. How hard is that? This depressing web of thoughts sent me down memory lane tonight too. It's really crazy how much people can change.

I don't know where I was going with that last sentence. The past is the past and it can't be changed. I guess I'm not looking for answers because I feel like I'm just going to keep on this path I've chosen for a little while longer...

...I really hope I'm making the right decision.


"These scars are proof that I've felt love, in all of it's best and all of it's worst. This is the day that I know, that I'm finally home, but the bitter sweet still stays. I'm ready to breathe again"

"As you cry yourself to sleep again, before you drift away, you pray for love. 'Cause love is the only thing you've never had"

Shot Gun vs. Punching Bag

Today was absolutely amazing. I woke up early and met Robbie at his house. We had been trying to plan a day to go shooting for so long now. Robbie had two new guns that he hadn't even shot yet and I was ready to shoot my gun. Timing wasn't working for us, and then some complications with Franco came up. Anyway, Thursday was decided and I was super excited. We starting packing up Robbie's Dad's truck around 9am. This part of the trip always takes forever. Even though Robbie knows we're leaving in the EARLY morning, he never really packs the night before. I'm always five minutes late, and he's always picking on me for it, but we never leave quickly.

We packed up enough guns and ammunition to form a small militia. We had Robbie's M4 Assault Rifle, Mossberg 500 12 gauge shot gun, Rock Island Armory 1911 .45 caliber, Glock 19 9mm, Kel-tec PF9 9mm, and my Kahr cw9 9mm. Not to mention like 8 boxes of shotgun shells all varying in size and force, about 150 rounds of .223, about 500 rounds of 9mm, and about 300 rounds of .45. If we EVER get pulled over on the way to Franco's Dad's house, there will be an entire department of police officers swarming our car, no matter what we say lol and we shot it ALL. I think we left with one box of shot gun shells and probably 150 of the .45.

It was so fun! I love shooting in general. It's a great stress reliever and it's something fun and different to do with friends. My gun performed flawlessly. I shot 200 rounds through it. It's took me a long time because my gun only has one magazine that holds 7 rounds at a time, and 200 rounds is a lot of amo. You might ask yourself why I shot so much? It's definitely fun, but guns typically have a "break in" period. For my gun, the break in is 200 rounds before the gun will perform at it's expected level of functioning. The first 200 rounds are supposed to get all the kinks out of the gun, and get it cycling right. I used two types of 9mm ammunition and out of all 200 rounds, I had ONE tiny complication where the gun had trouble loading a round into the chamber from the magazine. Robbie said he thought it was because the amo I was using was this cheap brand he bought. His gun was experiencing several, more severe problems with the same amo. Anyway, one problem out of 200 rounds is amazing. I'm so happy with my purchase. The gun doesn't kick any where near as hard as I was expecting. It's like a baby glock 19.

I shot all of Robbie's guns and Franco's new gun. I didn't like Robbie's new kel-tec PF9. It's a smaller 9mm, smaller than my kahr, and the gun is so light weight, when you shoot it, it sort of jumps out of your hand. It's hard to get a good grip on it. I really liked shooting his .45 caliber 1911 though. I've always heard about how much of a hard hitting round that was, and how .45 was for the big dogs. Pft. It's not bad to shoot, but maybe that was partly because of the weight of the steel 1911. Franco's gun was really smooth to shoot too. It was all around awesome. We all got to break in new guns. It wasn't that hot. It was perfect. I can't wait to go again.

We got some dinner afterwards and made the long haul home. I broke down my gun, cleaned it, helped Robbie with some cleaning, and then called it a night. I'm super exhausted after all the excitement of the day. I got a little emotional towards the end of the night though. I hate thinking about going back to Tallahassee. It makes me so sad. I know it's my last semester, but I get so used to being home. Thinking about it makes me feel sick. I really hope this summer goes by fast, and things fall into place for the fall.

It'd Be A Sight To See, If I Could See

I've been home for four days now. It has not been without stress, but being home is still absolutely wonderful. I love being close to my family, and seeing my friends. I haven't done much of anything, but just relaxing with loved ones is good enough. I NEED to be around people. lol

Its been really tough with my mom though. She still hasn't been able to get around not qualifying for disability. We have our house up for sale. The house my mom had built so we could move here. The only place we've lived in Florida. My home for the past 11 years. I support her decision because the house is a money sucker, especially right now, but it's still a weird thought. I can't imagine not living here and thinking about all that we invested in it being gone is really crappy.

I took my mom apartment hunting in gainesville today. She needs to be in a city that has public transportation and be closer to her job, and she has until MAYBE mid june before she loses her job. I'm grateful for that time frame right now, and I hope nothing changes. My mom is doing everything possible to get some answers or services with no luck. People keep passing her off or not knowing the answers to her questions. It's really frustrating. The ONLY transportation service in Levy county told her they couldn't drive her because of her income, but guess what? If she doesn't get there, she won't have an income soon....It's stupid. Just like how she doesn't qualify for disability, but so many other people with significantly less severe symptoms DO qualify.

Frustration. I swear. The system is flawed, and I'm sure it didn't take my rant to make that apparent. If you read this, I just ask that you pray, continue to pray, and if you know anybody that could help, please let me know. My mom is being very proactive. She's always on the phone with her job, her doctors, blind services, motor vehicle, and other agencies trying to figure it out. It's exhausting though. I really hope something works out soon.


Still no major plans for the break though. I'm trying to be available to my mom for rides. Might go shooting at the end of this week. That should be fun. I really hope to see Amanda and Kayla over the break sometime too.