Square One

I'm feeling kind of sad right now. The majority of this is probably caused by the fact that I have to go back to Tallahassee tomorrow. Every time I come home for more than just a weekend, it's so dang hard going back. I don't even hate Tallahassee like I used to. I think it's just because I have so much more important things to me here. I can't stand leaving. No matter how much people tell me, "It's your last semester, the time will fly by". No, you don't get it. It's still three months more away from where I want to be.

Whatever. I know I have to go.

It's more than Tallahassee though. I had this overwhelming sensation of deja vu earlier. I felt exactly like I did after Thomas and I broke up. Riding around town, not wanting to go home, but not having any place to go, feeling unhappy and getting sadder and sadder just driving around. I hate that feeling. It's really lonely. I don't want to be stuck in that feeling again and I shouldn't have to be here. Things need to change. I feel like I'm my own destruction though. It's in my power not to be here, in this situation, but I'm still not changing it.

I guess you could say I haven't reached my breaking point yet. I'm pretty dissatisfied with how things are right now, so I can't even imagine what my "breaking point" is though. I just want stability. How hard is that? This depressing web of thoughts sent me down memory lane tonight too. It's really crazy how much people can change.

I don't know where I was going with that last sentence. The past is the past and it can't be changed. I guess I'm not looking for answers because I feel like I'm just going to keep on this path I've chosen for a little while longer...

...I really hope I'm making the right decision.


"These scars are proof that I've felt love, in all of it's best and all of it's worst. This is the day that I know, that I'm finally home, but the bitter sweet still stays. I'm ready to breathe again"

"As you cry yourself to sleep again, before you drift away, you pray for love. 'Cause love is the only thing you've never had"