It Comes In Three's?

Today's been kind of rough. Not for me, but around me, if that makes sense. I skipped two of my classes and the classes I went to were chill. It was a dreary day weather wise and I wasn't feeling good physically. Robbie came and got me after my class so I didn't have to walk home in the weather. We went to this place called Jersey Mike's for dinner. The parking lot is a mad house. Everything is way too close together and all of the parking spots seem super small. Anyway, after we ate, the parking lot was full of cars waiting for spots. When we tried to pull out, another car was pulling out and Robbie and the other car hit each other. We weren't in my car, but I felt really bad. It scared me when I felt the impact and I was worried for what the back of Robbie's car looked like.

Both drivers got out and basically just said sorry. Robbie looked at it, drove back to my apartment, then checked it out some more. It has some scratches on it and it's not too bad, but man. I felt awful. I had to go to the last night of volunteer training shortly after. Robbie seemed fine by then though. He brushed it off easily. I left the hotline at like 9:35 and called him on my way asking if he wanted to go to Publix with me and pick up somethings. When I got to my apartment to pick him up, his car wasn't there. I instantly felt sick. I knew no one stole it or anything, it got towed, but coming to terms with having to tell him that was making me weak in the knees, literally. I basically ran upstairs and begged him to tell me he parked somewhere else, but of course he didn't.

When Robbie comes to my apartment, he parks in a handicap spot and puts up the decal he has for his car from his dad. He forgot to put it back up in the car when he parked though because he was in such a rush to look at the damage from backing into the car at dinner. We called the towing place and told the girl there that the decal was in the glove box and he could show it, but she said there was nothing she could do, that we'd have to either pay the fee, or wait until a manager was there in the morning. We went and just got the car so it wasn't sitting over night. That part of town is super sketchy. We're hoping that the fee will be reimbursed tomorrow when we talk to a manager but I highly doubt that...so $90 later...we're back, with junk food, trying to calm down after a day like today. Remember when I said I left the hotline at like 9:35? That's when his car got towed. Ten freaking minutes before I got home.

Bleh. I'm tired, I don't feel good, I have a test tomorrow, and I feel bad that this car happened to Robbie all in one day while he's visiting me. Lame. Good night.

Seriously?

It's really annoying how flirty people can be, especially with people they have no business flirting with in the first place. Even about nonsense. Control yourself and have normal conversation. You look desperate.


::sigh:: I wish this crap didn't get to me.

Plans Plans Plans

So...I'm sitting in my Sensation and Perception lecture...NOT paying attention. Nothing unusual. I feel like I haven't been on Blogger in days. When I'm on here, I frequently check my stats. I don't know about anyone else on here, but I'm obsessed with trying to figure out who is reading my blog at what times. The stats page shows you which blogs are being read, what times your blog is being viewed, and how many times it was viewed in that hour. I feel like most of the people following me are not super night owls, so it always intrigues me to see who is reading my blog at like 2am or 8am. I suspect my room mate... lol I wish there was a way for blogger to show me who is reading, but all I get for referring site is Facebook. I know I have my blog listed on my facebook as my website, but I wonder who reads my blog other than my 7 followers.

I don't know! I call the stats page the 'stalker feature'. It needs to be more specific in helping me spy on my readers! lol

Anyway, I normally have five classes on Tuesday. Three out of the five were canceled today. It's an amazing feeling. This week in general has been pretty awesome. I went to the prison yesterday like I always do, and a boy threw a desk in the room I was in. My partner and I were testing a different prisoner, and I'm not sure what this other kid's problem was, but he got pissed off and threw his desk twice. The guards hauled him out of the room. That facility is nuts. I really think it won't be open through the summer. After class today I still have volunteer training tonight. Training is wrapping up for this semester though. It's a bitter sweet feeling. I love training the new volunteers. I feel like I get a mini family each new training class. I'm hoping to still train people this summer.

Tomorrow I have class and work. I kind of wish one of those were canceled or something. Robbie's state exam is tomorrow and I wish I was available to do more for him. It's evident through my past blogs that all of the stuff I've gone through recently for school, I felt I didn't have adequate support. Having felt this way, I really want to give him what I wanted then. I know he's stressing out, and anticipation for something one is worried about is nuts anyway. I'm sure everyone can relate. It's really important to me that my friends know that no matter what I have going on, I'm never to busy or too stressed for them. I feel like when my friends come to me, a curtain is parted, and I can see clearly through my stress for them. I feel like a lot of my friends have some really tough things going on in their lives right now. Some things I can help with, and others I can't. But I want to be there to support them through this. I hope they know, see, and feel that.

But back on this week, Thursday is back to the normal schedule. I have all of my classes, but I'm contemplating skipping a few. Volunteer training Thursday is the last night of the semester, and then the graduation dinner is next Tuesday. I'm pretty excited. Friday my one class is canceled because we have an online exam to take. I'm kind of dreading it. I hate that class. It's an introductory course for criminal justice and attendance is mandatory. He's been giving pop quizzes like every day out of spite. It's lame. Thank god this semester is almost over :)


I feel good about this summer. I'll have only a few classes to take, I've found adequate time to work for once, and I'm still hoping for a paid position to train the new volunteers. I'll be busy, as usual, but a good busy. I feel like I'll be able to do a lot of fun things this summer too. I really want to make more money. I've been working only one day a week for so long and I'm grateful, but sick of a $50 paycheck. Graduation is in August too. I'm super excited about this, no matter what happens with UCF or taking a year off. I'm going to have my BS in Psychology with a minor in Criminology and it only took three years. Heck. Yes. :D

Scattered

This blog might seem all over the place. I haven't posted in a few days, but it's hard to organize my thoughts right now, so here's the gist of what I've been thinking about:


The past few days have been pretty nice. It's a much needed change from the two week angry/depression I've been in. I've gotten a lot of my work done for school and several of my classes are canceled this coming week. It's nice knowing I'll have a lot of time to relax coming up. Robbie's state exam is this Wednesday. He's crashing at my apartment to study and be closer to the testing site. It's been fun hanging out, but I'm also trying to be the study nazi and motivate him. I enjoy the company though, seriously. It makes me miss Amanda though. It's been so long since she's been able to come to Tallahassee for a few days.

On another random positive note, I've been trying to eat healthier lately. I rid my apartment of almost all of the junk food, and all I have is sandwich meat, fruit, salad, yogurt, and granola to eat. I've seen small results so far, so I'm happy with it. I'm trying not to burn out on health food though. I really like salad and yogurt, but I need to find healthier entrees. Sandwiches are gonna get old REAL fast. I've been trying to do some sit ups every night, and once my volunteer schedule calms down, I'm gonna hop back into my cardio routine. I want to feel better about myself. I'm trying not to make excuses for myself, but honestly, I don't have time to work out when my schedule is full force like it has been. Things are calming down though, so back into it soon.

I also started looking at some apartments online in the Gainesville area. I don't know what's going to happen with UCF. They have until April 15th before the notify me on if a spot is offered to me. I also applied to NOVA but I really don't want to go to NOVA, so I'm kind of accepting that I might be taking a year off. I don't want to say that the idea is growing on me, but it kind of is. For the wrong reasons though. I want to be closer to home, to my family, and to my friends. That scares the crap out of me though. I feel like I'm going to get comfortable if I take time off, and I'm going to put my career goals on the back burner. I'm really torn on what I want right now. Obviously if I get accepted to UCF, I'm going to go, but taking a year off is really looking appealing now...

I'm hoping these past few awesome days are going to get me out of this funk for a while. I still really don't know the main cause of it, but being unhappy for so many consecutive days is really only making things worse. I'm not trying to be a bummer right now though. I'm happy right now. Things are good right now. :)

That's all I have for an update.

The Hard Way

How many times can you push someone away before they'll learn?




I don't know, but I obviously still haven't learned :(

Post Grad

So, Robbie's graduation yesterday was pretty awesome. Driving to Ocala took three hours and it's about the most boring ride I've taken in a LONG time. I got to the CFCC campus a little early, but eventually met up with Robbie, Robbie's Dad, Franco, and JB. Robbie looked great in his academy uniform.


I've never seen him in it, and he looked so legit lol. We took a bunch of pictures before hand, and then headed inside for the ceremony. All of the speakers seemed really proud of the graduating class. Lord knows I was gushing with excitement. I'm extremely proud of how well Robbie has been doing, the amount of effort he's been putting forth, and overall, his determination since enrolling in the academy.

The ceremony lasted about an hour. We took more pictures, talked a little at the campus, then headed to Golden Corral for dinner (the guys' choice lol). It was nice to talk and hang out over dinner. It was important to me for Robbie to feel rewarded and recognized for his work. I definitely think he, and everyone else enjoyed themselves. After dinner, everyone kind of did their own thing. JB and Franco left together, and I followed Robbie and his dad back to their house. We hung out for a couple of hours, then I crashed at my moms for the night around 2am. I had to be at work at 10am this morning, so I left Trenton around 7:30. Work wasn't that bad considering how exhausted I was.


I felt really great waking up this morning. The past week and a half have been miserable internally. The reason I say internally is because nothing has really HAPPENED that's miserable, I just feel really low-spirited lately. It's been confusing beyond explanation. I can't pinpoint the real reason for my unhappiness and it's driving me crazy. I think going to Robbie's graduation was like a mini vacation which restored my happiness, but now I already feel that sinking feeling returning. I don't know what to do. I hope I'm wrong. I hope I'm just tired. We'll see. This week is dragging. I want the weekend to be here, but not like I have any plans...

Ocala Bound

I'm really excited for today! Robbie is graduating from the police academy tonight and I'm really proud of him. He's been working really hard and I know it's been a long journey for him. He takes his state exam to be certified as a police officer next week, so I know he's stressing about that too. I think He, Franco, JB, Robbie's Dad, and I are going to eat out tonight to celebrate. :D

It's also like a mini vacation for me. I'll be in Ocala and Chiefland for the night, and I'll drive back to Tallahassee early tomorrow morning in time for work. I'm excited to be there for Robbie and to hang out with friends for the night.

I'm going to try to get some good pictures and do an after graduation post. Any way, props to Robbie. Go congratulate him.

iTunes love

So last night was all about Maroon 5, and today I've been listening to Forever The Sickest Kids album 'Underdog Alma Mater'. So many of these songs have awesome lyrics, but what makes it even better are the beats to the songs. The lyrics can be about something completely depressing or something infuriating, but the sound that they have just makes you super pumped. I love it.

"It's a terrible thing to know what you want
And to know you can't have it at all
All I wanted was to let you know how I...
It's a terrible thing"

The above lyrics are from a song called The Way She Moves. I have a lot of things I want. I'm grateful, even if it's not something I brag about in conversation, but there's always that one thing someone always wants, and never gets. This appealed to me. I also like the line 'all I wanted was to let you know how I...'. SO much lately I feel like I'm holding back. It's unnerving. Most times I'm not like this, but for some reason I can't bring myself to be honest about how I'm feeling on a certain topic. I really hope I don't regret it. That line, coupled with the '...' reflects how I feel. Like the person was going to finally tell them, but they choked.



"I know that I shouldn't let it get to me
(But it does, and who am I kidding?)
A dead end job and a lack of family
This town gets to me"

These lyrics are from their song 'Catastrophe'. If you know anything about me, you know how much I've hating being away from home, family, and friends. You would know the terrible experiences I've had in Tallahassee and how since day one I've wanted to leave. This has been one of the hardest times in my life. It's not unexpected though. The transition from high school to college is a big one. It was the first time I was on my own, and far enough away from home. It was my first taste of 'the real world'. This time of year is kind of hard for adjusting. I came off of winter break loathing being back after being home so long, and before I knew it, spring break was here and the same thing happened. So, needless to say, these lyrics appealed to me for numerous reasons.



"I should've known better not to wait around
Why did I come home, because I hate it here
I should've know better not to wait around
I'm getting rid of my phone and I made it clear
I should've know better not to wait around

I never did, never did I ever
Love anyone other than you"

These lyrics are from the song 'My Worst Nightmare'. I think they appealed to me because I'm feeling very confused lately. I'm not sure whether or not to stay strong in decisions I've made, or to just throw in the towel. Regardless of the actual choice, when one has to ask themselves that question, it's always frustrating. Do I stay or do I go?



Also, the entire song 'Phone Call' is amazing. Look up the lyrics. Story of my life.



In other non-music related life, I'm feeling left out lately. It's weird though, I really have no reason to feel this way. Honestly, no, I have no idea what's wrong, but I'm not feeling very happy. Maybe it's stuff with UCF. Maybe I feel like I'm being left behind. Maybe it's something else. I have no idea, it's been confusing. It's a mix of sadness/loneliness and anger. I wish it was clearer what's causing it so I could deal with these feelings.

The things I couldn't say, Maroon 5 did for me

I had to stay in Tallahassee this weekend for a volunteer class I had to teach at. That was basically the only thing I HAD to do this weekend. So now...I'm sitting here bored out of my mind. I'm all caught up on the shows I watch and now I can't find any shows or movies to watch on Netflix. I'm on iTunes listening to Maroon 5's most recent album 'Hands All Over'. I like SO many songs on this album. Powerful lyrics. It got me thinking of about 50 facebook statuses I could post right now, which lead me to think of things I wish I could say to certain ex's of mine. So that's what this blog will be about so I can alleviate some of this lyrical empowerment without blowing up facebook like a weirdo. I also put appropriate lyrics for each guy from this album. Some of the things I say might be really obvious about who it's geared toward, and some others might not. This might seem random, but I'm sure we all wished we could say certain things to our ex's with no consequence.

To D-bag #1:
"I must have been a fool to love you so hard for so long. So much stronger than before, but so much harder to move on" -Maroon 5 'I Can't Lie'

I really wonder if you'd make the same decisions all over again. I feel like I knew you better than anyone, and no matter how shocked I was at how things turned out, I still don't think you're happy with the decisions you made. I also don't get why you're so against us having a friendship, but you know what, it's probably better for me in the end. So thanks. Hope you turn your life around and head down the path we all thought you'd be on. You'll still always have a special place in my life, no matter how hard it's been coming to terms with the present circumstances.



To D-bag #2:
"You really got me bad. I'm gonna get you back. Gonna get you back" -Maroon 5 'Misery'

Forget you. You made a big mistake. What's sad is I think you know that you did, and you're just lying to yourself to make yourself feel better about it all. It makes me angry thinking about all of the effort I put into our relationship, all of the damn sacrifices I made just to see you royally screw me over. You took advantage of me to the very end, even after I found out, playing on my feelings for you! I'm more mad at myself than I ever could be at the people I pushed out of my life for you. I'll never be able to repair those relationships, and I would have never done it without you preaching in my ear. I hope however long you were doing all of the garbage you did behind my back was worth it because you'll never find someone who loved you like I did for so long. I hope you're happy with your dead end job, and I hope you're prepared to be alone. Just you and your hand the rest of your life you selfish, spoiled, disgusting, inconsiderate, immature piece of garbage.



To D-bag #3:
"I can't lie, you're on my mind, stuck inside my head. I wanna feel your heart beat for me instead. Yeah, I just die so much inside now that you're not there. I wanna feel your heartbeat like yesterday." -Maroon 5 'I Can't Lie'

You don't deserve to be called a D-bag, but for the purpose of remaining uniform, you've obtained the title for this blog. Our past is something I often think of. There's so many things I wish I could have done better, so many things I wish I said and didn't say, so many experiences I wish I had instead, with you. Everything about our relationship from day one has been done backwards, with horrible timing. I don't know why it's always been this way, but what we want is always just out of reach. I've done more growing through our experiences than any other relationship. There's still so much more I wish I could do and say. So much has changed though, and the opportunity to express these feelings are far and few between now-a-days. No matter how bad things have been, your importance to me is beyond any other relationship imaginable. I don't know what's going to end up happening, things are still difficult, but I know what I want...

If I could change one thing...

This blog is going to be random. Basically a bunch of things I've been pondering today. I'm having one of those days where I'm over analyzing my feelings and some characteristics I possess/lack. I'm going to try to keep this as organized as possible, but I'm sure if any of you have ever just been lost in thought, you know how you can bounce from one thought to the other.


So here we go....

I want to point out two characteristics. Mostly so I don't forget, but so you can see how they relate for me.

Jealousy and Dependence

So I'm going to start with dependence because it's a shorter rant. I feel as though I am a VERY independent person when it comes to school, life choices, finances, interests, etc. I had a plan for myself, for my career and interests and I'm making it happen. I support myself, even if it's through loans. No one is paving my way FOR ME. Nobody solely decides what I like and don't like. Sure, I'm influenced by friends and family, but I am in control. These aspects are normal for me, but not when it comes to relational dependency.

I am VERY dependent on my friends and connections I have. Again, not for things I need or my accomplishments, just more so general happiness. But again, I want to focus more on romantic relationships.
*****Mini disclaimer: I'm not asking for your approval or judgment. This is me thinking about a characteristic I've known I possess and have struggled with for a while. You don't have the right answers or solutions anymore than I do.**** But anyway, I feel as though I NEED to be in a relationship. I hate being alone. I hate feeling like I'll stay alone. I hate how much I expect from significant others sometimes. It leaves me vulnerable for a lot of let down. I'm not sure how to deal with this though.

In the past, I've had significant others that reciprocated my actions. They called me a lot, they made plans with me a lot. I've had significant others that never talked on the phone with me, never communicated really ever, and it was almost impossible to secure some of their time. I've also had significant others that I could spend time with, but our communication was crap. From all of this experience, I still don't know how to maintain a balance. I feel as though I get to a point where I just don't care, and I cease communicating myself. One of two things usually happens then. We either stop talking, or the other people realizes I've stopped and doesn't understand why I gave up.

Why is it so hard to put forth effort yourself? So what I'm getting at is I'd like to be more independent. I wish it didn't effect me as strongly that some relationships are lackluster at times.


Moving on to jealousy. I feel as though I couldn't care less what people have, or look like, or other things you can be jealous of. I don't even get envious-jealous of my friends who have boyfriends. It's a, 'I'm so happy for you and yeah I wish i had that too' good-jealous. But the type of jealousy I do experience is nuts. This is relational jealousy, as well, but it's not limited to romantic partners. I LOATHE when my friends or love interests are talking to someone new, or someone from our past that we mutually know, but that I don't like. This sensation is OVERWHELMING. I feel like poison is in my blood when I experience this. Just reading stuff on facebook gets me crazy angry. Granted, this feeling subsides as quickly as it sets on. I realize that I'm being irrational, and that just because they are talking or they are friends again doesn't mean I'm being replaced, forgotten, or unwanted. It's just weird.

I don't know why I feel this way. This has been, by far, my biggest character flaw and struggle. It really gets in the way of friendships and relationships sometimes. I've calmed down SIGNIFICANTLY since high school, but it's still a sickening feeling.

These are the things I've been thinking about today. Like I said, I appreciate if you can relate, and if you'd like to share how you've dealt with similar problems, but if you want to pass judgment on my experiences, save it. If you don't experience this, or understand why I'm like this, than maybe you should just save your comments. I say this because this is MY forum for thought. Negativity isn't supposed to be here. Otherwise, please, I'd love to know what you think or feel too. I also realize there's no solid solution to these sorts of things. I was just kind of particularly aware of it recently, and I've continuously trying to manage these emotions.

Do you ever have moments like this? Of all characteristics/flaws, why was jealousy/dependence mine? Not complaining, there are worse character flaws, just curiosity :) What do you struggle with?

Dead End

Today has been nothing but awful. Let me start by saying that right now, I don't want to be any more rational or logical than I am already being. Don't tell me it's not all bad. Don't tell me to look on the bright side. There is MINIMAL bright side. So save it.

I went to my first class at 8am. It's a stupid, introductory course for criminology, my minor. Attendance mandatory. Strike one from the get go. Anyway, I'm super tired. The time change is lame. Coming off of spring break is lame. School in general...is lame.

I leave my class at 8:50am. I'm rushing back to my apartment, on a painful ankle from some freak accident during spring break, to hop in my car, and head out to the prison like I always do on Monday morning. I grab my stuff, and text the other girl that goes out to the prison. She wanted to ride with me because she needed to get some work done on her car today. I get in MY CAR and what do you know....it won't stay on. My car was meant to die in May of 2009. The engine imploded basically and instead of trashing it, we replaced the engine. It's been nothing but a money sucker, problem after problem. Since May of 2009, I think roughly $5000-6000 has been put into my car to keep it working. That is ridiculous money spent on a 2000 ford focus. Thankfully, some rearranging was done, and the girl came and got me instead.

Having car trouble, once again, ruined my day. I was at the prison tired and upset. THEN, I check my email, and lo-and-behold, UCF decided to email me about my grad school application! Guess what Jessica busted her butt for the past three years, taking 17 credit hours per semester, volunteering 300+ hours, working two jobs, and doing other extracurriculars in the psychology field for!? For THE ALTERNATE LIST. Not accepted. Second best. A maybe option. That's what I busted my butt for. I have to wait, and see if any of the 16 people who WERE accepted turn down the offer for another school. Icing on top of the cake? I don't even know how many have to say no before a spot is made for me. I don't know how many people are on this "alternate list", nor how many people are ahead of me on it. What I do know is they have until my FREAKING BIRTHDAY to decide what they wanna do, so I get to wait a month and wonder where my life will go for the next few years. Awesome.

I'm beyond upset. I work harder than ANYONE I know. I don't care how selfish that sounds. I feel cheated. I feel like UCF is telling me I'm a failure and that's unacceptable. Don't tell me I'm being melodramatic. I KNOW I'm being illogical, but right now, that sensation is stronger than anything. Everything I worked for....not accepted.


Don't expect much positivity from me right now. I'm back in Tallahassee which is unhappiness at it's greatest...than all this crap piled on. I'm sick of this roller coaster of emotion. I'm sick of not knowing.

Recap

I was going to do this epic post with pictures and elaborate details of my trip to Island of Adventure, but being at my mom's house isn't the environment to do so. Her internet is super slow and I'm always on the go here.

The trip was super fun though. It rained the entire ride there. We got to the park around 10am, and it rained until like 12:30pm. It's really different being in a theme park in the rain lol Definitely my first experience with that. On the upside, there weren't many people so the lines were really short. All of us were good sports about not complaining either which made it more fun.

We went around the park like three times I think. The first time we went on every ride basically. I stood out for the rides you get wet on, it's not my thing to walk around soaked even though we were already wet from the rain. My favorite rides were Spiderman and The Harry Potter ride they have in the castle now. The second time we went around, we went on everything we really liked once more. We all piled into this comic themed version of the tea cups ride. It was hilarious. We tried to spin the tea cup the wrong way. Who knew there was a right way to spin it anyway? But yes there it, it made us slide around in our seats because we were fighting the natural motion of the ride lol The third time we went around we hit up the shops we knew we definitely wanted to buy stuff from.

I was super stoked for Honeydukes in The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. I was expecting all of these awesome weird candies, but it was very much like any other candy store basically, and the stuff seemed even more outrageously priced than usual. I bought a chocolate frog and some of the every flavor beans. The harry potter section in general LOOKED amazing. The details were awesome, it made you feel like you were in Hogsmeade. I liked it. We all bought Butterbeer as soon as we got in, and in case you're like me and was wondering if it's alcoholic, it's not. It's like creme soda with some kind of butterscotch whipped cream on top. It tasted pretty good, but we were so anxious to get in line for the ride that we chugged it. NOT A GOOD IDEA FOR JESSICA. I NEVER get motion sickness and boy oh boy did I want to puke after the first ride. I didn't though, and lesson learned.

The drive back was pretty smooth. We were all tired and achy from walking around so much. I'd really like to go back again when it was warmer. The park just seems more alive then. Spring break is almost over :( I really, really don't want it to end.

Out of my hands, but not out of my reach

I know I blogged already today about what I've kind of been doing on spring break, but I just had this weird sensation come over me and it's hard to freaking concentrate with my parents talking to me about nonsense t.v. shows they watch.

I feel worried about the immediate future. Things are pretty great right now. Nothing's really changed I guess, it's just been a good environment lately. I feel really happy. I had this overwhelming sensation though that things need to slow down. I don't want this feeling to leave, or things to change. I want to absorb all this good and just stay right here. It's such an unnerving feeling to not be in control.

Please, can time stop right here? I'd be so happy.

Update

Spring break has been great so far. I kind of feel like it's going by fast now. I absolutely love being home. I don't think anyone understands how much happier I am when I'm near my friends and family compared to when I'm in Tallahassee. Granted, being in Tallahassee has gotten better 100 fold since freshmen year, and I don't really think it's so much the place, but the lack of people. I REALLY need to be around my friends and family. So needless to say, nonstop hanging out with my friends has been amazing.

I've kind of just been relaxing. Been to Gainesville a couple of times to shop and hang out. Went out to eat wit my dad and my friends a few times. Made dinner for family and made several meals with friends. I love it. Food is definitely a social thing in my opinion lol

Amanda, her cousin Jonathan (boogie), and I are going to Islands of Adventure tomorrow! I'm so excited. Amanda and I were kind of planning the trip, but money and timing weren't lining up. We kind of gave up, then Boogie came to the rescue! lol I'm so freaking excited. I've been wanting to go check out the Harry Potter section of the park ever since I knew they were building it. I am definitely going to post a huge blog with pictures about our adventures afterward :)


I feel really good. I can't put it into words. :D

I guess I never learn?

Sometimes I astound myself with my self-control. Other times, I ask myself when will I ever learn? It NEVER pays to be nosey. Never. I just got done spying on someone I don't like. Their information is logged into my computer and they don't know it. Sure enough I see something I really didn't want to see. Now I'm pissed. I don't understand why I do this to myself.

It's a very entertaining thought though to expose this person and all of their crapiness via the internet though. I think about this possibility often. Piece of shit. You deserve it anyway. Ugh! If only...


I need to learn to LET GO.

spring break hiatus

It's spring break and I couldn't be happier for the opportunity to relax and be responsibility free. First two days have been great. I'm checking Blogger pretty frequently but I doubt I'll post much. I haven't been spending much time at home, plus my moms internet is super slow. I'm sure I'll have loads to blog about when school starts back. For now, I just really want to keep having days like today :D

Deja Vu

I just had some crazy deja vu right now. I don't want to be in this situation again. I feel left behind and unimportant. Maybe I shouldn't feel this way, and if I think about it, I probably shouldn't, but I do. I don't know where to go from here. It makes me angry to think I'm in the same situation, hearing the same BS that I heard a year ago from a new situation. Why do I keep getting myself into these situations?

I just don't know...

I'm feeling agitated at the moment. I'm not entirely sure why, but here are some contributing factors:
1.) I still haven't heard back from UCF yet about my interview. My mom text me while I was at work today and said I had an email in my fsu account from UCF. I got excited and nervous, but it was a false alarm. I really want to get into the program, not only because it's what I've been working for, but I feel a connection with the staff and that program. I really want to go there.

2.) I have a crap ton of work due tomorrow. I expected the week before spring break to be busy, but it's not the week for me, it's just Thursday. No crisis hotline training tomorrow, but I have a test, a quiz, a lab report, and a homework assignment all due/happening. After the stress of last week, and with the approach of spring break, I don't wanna do a damn thing, hence me blogging during my break instead of diving into the next assignment.

3.) I'm ALWAYS tired. I don't think anyone really understands how much I take on in a semester. It's my choice, I love everything I participate in, but man, I never really have time for myself or for sleep.

4.) I feel slightly annoyed with where my life is right now. I feel like things are stagnant and I don't know, I'm kind of sick of it. I feel like I'm working too hard and I want things too badly for my life to be sort of idling in my relationships with others. I'm baffled at how to change this though, and I think that's partly due to the fact that I don't think I am the problem here...

I don't know. I just discussed all of those reasons for my mood right now, but I honestly don't think the main cause of these feelings are rooted in any of the above listed. On a brighter note, I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow. Nothing special, just trimmed. I'm excited for it too look healthy and be easier to manage. I really hope Friday morning comes fast. I am so in need of spring break, relaxation, and no responsibilities. I want to hang out with my friends the entire time. If I never had to go home, I think I'd be happier. That might sound mean, and I have nothing against being around my family, but I am in such need for a release that I don't want the fun to stop. I really hope Amanda and I can go to Islands of Adventure and experience the Harry Potter theme park. I really hope my expectations aren't crushed though :(