Packin'

Aside from my cheesey blog title, seriously, I got my gun now! I'm super excited. My mind has changed so much since the Fall when I first decided I'd actually buy one. It's been a process trying to find something in my price range, small enough for concealed carry, and a gun I'd enjoy shooting. The gun I purchased is called the Kahr CW 9mm. I picked it up this morning, so when I got off work tonight, I came home, took it apart, and cleaned it. It took me forever and I had trouble with a few parts. The gun is really springy when you first get it, so it takes a lot of strength to pull the slide back or mess with the firing spring.


This is how the gun looks in it's case. It's the gun, the magazine, and the lock.


This is when I disassembled it to clean it. It's the spring, the barrel, the slide, and the frame.


The gun reassembled and clean :D



It has a two hundred round break in period. I'm not sure how much of that I'll do the next time we go shooting. That's a lot of rounds, but I think I plan to put at least a hundred through it. I still haven't gotten my concealed weapons permit yet. In a few weeks when I have more money I'll send my paper work. It's fine for now though. I need to get familiar with it anyway. I hope I don't experience any problems with it!

Time and Time Again

Another night I go to bed feeling unsatisfied. Honestly, I just don't get how to be anymore clear about my expectations, about my desires or my needs. I don't even know if that's it anymore. I guess I still haven't learned that you can't make people change or make feelings change. I guess what I want isn't as important as someone else's wants. I don't like saying that, and I really hope I'm wrong. I'm tired of feeling pushed away and as second best. I feel the affects on myself and in me. It's going to make me stop caring, and it's stupid. It shouldn't be this way, and it doesn't have to be this way. Why? Why do people push away those who love them?

It's been a pretty sad excuse of the past couple weeks. A lot of really crappy things are happening around me to myself and to good people. I've been trying to stick to my roll-with-the-punches attitude, but it's getting me down. I still feel afloat in all the crap, but barely. I really just want this week to be over. I want to be done with studying. I want to be home.

Please God get me through this.

Roll With The Punches

Today was pretty decent. I had an exam at 7:30am so I woke up super early to get ready, make breakfast, and get to the classroom early to review. I have no idea what to think about how I did on my exam. It's over. That's all that matters. After my exam, I made my way to the prison. It was my last day today because they're in the process of shutting the place down. It was insanely busy today. It made the day go by fast, and made me less aware of how tired I was, but I was so busy that I was making a lot of mistakes on the paper work I had to fill out. The room I worked in for the majority of the day didn't have air conditioning either so it was gross. I'm happy to be done with going out there. It's been a great experience, and I've learned a lot, but it's so far and the work is aggravating.

I plan to study more now. I have a quiz tomorrow and a cumulative final Friday. My gun is in Tallahassee. It's my mission to pick it up before I go home. It's been hard to communicate with the gun transfer place though. I'll definitely be posting about it once I get it, pictures and all.

I got an awesome surprise today too. I've been talking with an old friend from New Jersey a lot lately and on a whim he decided to mail me a package. We both really love music so he made me two cds, drew some pictures, and wrote me a letter :D I loveeeeeeeee getting mail, and I'm super excited to check out the songs. I'm going to mail a cd and something random back to him as well. I think we plan to make it a pen pal type thing. It should be fun!

Other than school stress, there's still not much of an update on my mom. She still can't find a way to work, so it's really scary wondering when she might get fired. We put our house up for sale which is a weird situation too. I feel like the house has been a financial burden to my mom for a while not, but it's weird thinking that we wouldn't own it, or I wouldn't come home to that house. My mom really needs to relocate to a city though, and hopefully she'll be able to move to gainesville soon enough to save her job. We'll see though I guess. It all depends on if the house sells which is not likely in this current housing market. My mom also found out that she does not fall into the disability eligible bracket. She official failed her driving test so she no longer has her license, but she's not blind enough for disability apparently. I can tell she, as well as all of the family, are scared. Bills don't go away just because your life is falling apart at the moment.

I really just wish the house will sell at this point. It'll be really sad to let it go, but I don't want her to lose her job or not be able to get any where basically. She needs transportation to doctors, jobs, basic needs. I keep praying, and I'm trying to be there for her. She's getting a lot of crap from her job, some family members that don't understand, agencies pushing her off to someone else. It's a lot to deal with.

I'm hoping the week off before summer classes is some what enjoyable. I'm going to be in major debt when I return to Tallahassee. I have no money right now, and going home is just a major money sucker. I'm hoping to work 30 hours a week though when I come back. We shall see. I need to de-stress though. My left eye keeps twitching and I've resorted to stress eating, a habit I thought I successfully broke when Thomas and I broke up. It's making me feel disgusting. I plan to work out as much as I can over the break as well and come back to Tallahassee ready to clear the apartment of junk food once again.

I hope I wasn't a debbie downer to anyone as they read this. My motto as of lately is 'You gotta roll with the punches'. I'm trying not to get bogged down with sadness. I'm trying to deal with what's going on, and move forward, as forward as I can get. It's all I can do.

Sorry Doesn't Cut It

I burned a CD to listen in my car for the drive home today. I put this song on here randomly, but I forgot how good it was. The appeal to me is how powerful the lyrics are and how much they mirror how I feel. Everyday I wish I could change how some things happened in the past. This song hits it on the head how I feel and what I wish I could say.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tkAcgInHMU0

State of Shock
"Best I Ever Had"

Now I know I messed up bad
You were the best I ever had
I let you down in the worst way
It hurts me every single day
I'm dying to let you know

Now I'm here to say I'm sorry
And ask for a second chance
Cause when it all comes down to the end
I could sure use a friend

So many things I would take back
You were the best I ever had
I don't blame you for hating me
I didn't mean to make you leave

You and I were living like a love song
I feel so bad, I feel so bad that you're gone
Now I know you're the only one that I want
I want you back, I want you

Now I'm here to say I'm sorry
And ask for a second chance
Cause when it all comes down to the end
I could sure use a friend
Now I'm here to say I'm sorry
And ask for a second chance
All I want to do is make it up to you
Cause when it all comes down to the end
You were the best I ever had

We fell in love for a reason
Now you're leaving
And I just want you back
So many things we believed in
Now you're leaving and words won't bring you back
I'll never let go of the heart I broke

You and I were living like a love song
Now I know you're the only one that I want
I want you back, I want you

Now I'm here to say I'm sorry
And ask for a second chance
All I want to do is make it up to you
Cause when it all comes down to the end
I could sure use a friend
Now I'm here to say I'm sorry
And ask for a second chance
All I want to do is make it up to you
Cause when it all comes down to the end
You were the best I ever had

I can't believe that I threw away all our dreams
I can't believe now that you're gone how much you mean to me
I feel so bad, I feel so bad
You were the best I ever had
I can't believe that I threw away all our dreams
I can't believe now that you're gone how much you mean to me
I feel so bad, I feel so bad
You were,
You were the best I ever had

Panic At Its Finest

I'm really irritated with myself right now. I did some research real quick on some job opportunities in gainesville with a BA in psychology and almost all of the positions listed online at myflorida.com are at this one behavioral clinic. It made me feel a little better to know that there is SOMETHING out there for a bachelors degree applicant, but I know these jobs are going to be more paper work than psychology relevant. The reason I'm angry with myself is because I feel like I'm going to make a poor decision. I feel like I'm basing my life decisions on other people, on where I'll have the most support and it frustrates me. That support isn't always there.

I don't want to move to gainesville and regret it. I can't imagine any more time in Tallahassee. I'm really unhappy here, but the support I thought I had in gainesville is really unreliable. Gosh! This is stupid. I don't want to make a big decision based on something that is really unreliable. This is such a confusing time right now. It's hard to deal with the typical 'roller coaster' of emotions. I've been calm, then sad, then angry, and then scared too many times today. I'm too much of a planner to not have a clue what three months from now will look like.

I thought I could just roll with the punches. Find a cheap apartment, transfer winndixies for income, and hit the REAL job hunt hard as soon as I got situated. It's not that simple though. I don't know if I'll be able to transfer. If I did, what if they don't have hours for me? I don't want to feel alone in this. I'm not saying my family or friends aren't there for me, but that light at the end of the tunnel that made Gainesville okay in my mind just went out.

I really don't know what to do.

Denied

So....finally heard back from UCF. Not accepted. I don't know how to feel about it. I got used to the idea of taking a year off but it still makes me nervous. I don't know what I'm going to do on this year. You can't just work. You have to stay competitive. I don't want to stay in Tallahassee. I originally thought of moving to gainesville for the year. I'm really confused now. I don't know what's going to happen with my mom.

I kind of feel like maybe I wasn't supposed to go to school this year because of what's going on with my mom. I could work and help support her, but I don't put a whole lot of weight in fate.

I really don't know what to think or feel. I'm getting more sad about it than when I first read the email this morning. I have those feelings of failure again. If I'm not competitive enough now, how on earth am I going to get more competitive with the year off? I don't want to stay in Tallahassee and all of my opportunities are here.


I don't know much anymore. :(

The Scoop

Before I even get into this, I plan for this to be a REALLY long blog. I want to talk about everything that's happened the past week and I know it's going to take a lot of explanation.

So here it goes

Starting Thursday of last week:
Amanda and Robbie got here to start my birthday celebration. It was absolutely amazing having them here. I love my friends. I hadn't seen Amanda in so long, and I always like hanging out with Robbie. It's nice to get away from Chiefland with them every now and then. We went out to eat a lot, watched movies, and goofed off. Friday we saw Your Highness. It was what I expect from a movie with those actors in it. At midnight when I turned 21, we went to the store and got stuff for drinks. I had been stocking up on soda and snacks for so long it wasn't even funny. I had almost every soda imaginable but we only ended up buying rum and vodka. We didn't even open the rum though lol. I had like four drinks and that was way more than what I needed. I never drink, so everything hit me hard.

I got sick later in the night. It was nice to have Robbie there. Everyone was kind of laughing at me, which, looking back, I would have laughed too, but he was taking care of me while I cried about throwing up lol I was really emotional the whole night. I think I should take baby steps for the next time I drink more than one. For the rest of my birthday we just hung out. Got IHOP when we all finally woke up. We didn't drink again after that.

So, Sunday I got some bad news. Let me give you some back story first. My mom has had glaucoma for a while. Glaucoma is when the pressure in your eyes fluctuates a lot and it gets to be too high. I can't remember when she found out, but I know for a while she was taking eye drops for it. Her vision has been really bad lately and she had been meaning to set up another appointment to see what's up. My mom waited to tell me until after my birthday, but she found out that she is now blind in her left eye and her right eye is almost blind. The pressure in her eyes was really high again too. The specialist told her she isn't going to be able to drive anymore and that they have to report it to motor vehicle so her license is taken.

I can't imagine how my mom held it in for so many days that she was blind in one eye, and almost blind in the other. That alone is life changing. Also, my mom works in Gainesville. Do you know how little you can do living in the country without the ability to drive? This made a million questions come up. How will the mortgage get paid for? How will ANYTHING get paid for? My mom is 55. She still has SEVERAL years to live. Not driving from now on is a huge impact. I was really emotional when I found out. I was scared for my mom. I felt like she didn't have adequate support in the trauma that just occurred. Now she had all this financial burden getting in the way of her coping. She has a lot of things she has to go over with her doctor.

My mom doesn't know if she qualifies for disability. You think being blind in one eye and about to be blind in the other makes you qualify. It doesn't. You vision has to be at a specific level and my mom forgot to ask her level in the chaos of finding out. Disability, however, is not enough to pay our mortgage, let alone any other bill. It's not even like my mom can get a job close to home. NOTHING is close in Trenton. And nothing in Trenton pays what UF offers her. My mom isn't a candidate for any type of eye surgery either. They told her because her left eye is already blind, that there isn't any hope for it now. The pressure in her right eye from the glaucoma is still too high as well. She's on drops again, but because of this, they are unable to even think about performing any type of surgery on that eye. They also told her that even if the pressure was low enough for surgery, the procedure itself might stress her right eye out so badly that it could make itself go blind.

They told my mom that she'd probably be blind in both eyes by the age of 60. Can you imagine that? Five years from now, you can't see anything for the rest of your life. You lived so long taking advantage of this sense. Building your world on it, and then it's taken from you. What if my mom lived to be 90? That's another thirty years of being without vision. Some things you might not have thought of too are services for the blind. Do you know how hard it is to get a seeing eye dog? Or find an agency that can teach you braille? It's hard. And guess what? If she found the services, they'd be far away, and how does someone get to those agencies not being able to drive?

My sister and her family are not well off and haven't been for so long. They can't offer much help, maybe a ride or two. My dad is already on disability and hasn't worked as long as I can remember. He's dealing with his own illness. I'm a student with debt. We all are in no position to be able to help and it sucks so badly. My mom's best chance right now is to sell our house and move into a city. Some place she can walk to things, or a job. But the market is awful and you have to ask yourself how long will it be before she can't perform routine activities? It's really scary. There's also the selfish thoughts like will my mom see my graduation? My wedding? My kids? My niece and nephew grow up?


There's still so many questions about the whole situation. I'll blog about it as I know more. Pray hard though because this situation sucks. Why my mom? Why?




::Sigh::


UCF should be contacting me soon about whether I got offered a spot since I was on the alternate list. I don't know what I want anymore. If I get accepted, I'm obviously going to try to go, but I'm scared for the future financially now. I got really used to the idea of taking a year off. I feel like things are happening for a reason right now. Maybe I'm not meant to go to graduate school right now....


Maybe...

My Lips Are Sealed

Omgsh. Post. Delete. Post. Delete. Post. Delete.



I seriously can't get the words out. There are bigger problems right now and I only want you to talk to me. This is stupid.



Get a grip on your feelings. Please. Because I can't turn mine off.

Reality Check

My birthday was absolutely amazing. I kind of got some bad news right after though, so I'm not really feeling like writing out the awesome detailed post about what happened the past few days. Amanda and Robbie came to Tallahassee. It was amazing hanging out, and I couldn't have been happier. I got some awesome stuff for my birthday, and I got sick after drinking.


Maybe in a few days I'll be able to post about what's going on, but right now, can you please pray hard for my mom, her health, my family, and the future. Some big changes are about to happen and none of us could ever be prepared for it. :/

Second Chance

I was browsing my info section on my facebook because I was bored. These are the quotes that I have on there. I feel like I've never read more powerful words in my life. They all have a deep meaning to me and I wanted to share them with you guys. A birthday post is to come later on :)

"Sometimes goodbye is a second chance."

"I have given you my heart. But how can I live without the very motor of life? I do not ask you to give it back to me; for only in your prison does it enjoy the most sublime of freedoms, but I beg you to send me, in exchange, your own, that could find no tabernacle more prepared to welcome it. To live you have no need of two hearts, and mine beats so hard for you that it can assure you of the most eternal of fervors." -Umberto Echo


I wish I had said...
Your beauty is like a light,
And I am drawn to it,
Fluttering by its flame.
I wish I had said...
Your body is to die for,
And I long to be martyred.
Yes, I wish I had said...
Your smile melts through
My heart, leaving only
Your warmth. Oh how
I wish I had said...
Your translucent eyes
Send your soul to my heart,
Forcing it to beat again.
Yes, that is what I wish
I had said but,
With confounded cowardice,
All I said was...
Hello, with a smile,
And passed you by.
- Christian O'Connor



"I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism."
-Elizabeth Gilbert

Anticipation

I have about an hour before I turn 21. You have no FREAKING idea how excited I am. It's not even so much the alcohol. I'm beyond excited that my two best friends are here, and I know no matter what we do, we're going to have a blast. We saw Your Highness tonight. It was okay. Typical movie from James Franco and that other dude that's always with him from Pineapple Express. Not worth $10 dollars though.

This next hour is going to drag. I am over-prepared for this occasion. I have massive amounts of snacks prepared: cake, nacho cheese doritos, cool ranch doritos, barbeque lays, sour cream and onion lays, coke, sprite, diet pepsi, sierra mist, cran-grape juice, cran-raspberry juice, white cran-strawberry juice, and orange juice. Knowing that it's all ready is making time drag even more.

Everyone at my apartment looks like they're tired though. This is lame. 47 minutes. I can't wait.

Side Effect: Excessive Blogging

Amanda and Robbie are coming to Tallahassee tonight. This could either mean obsessive blogging and facebook statuses until they leave, or complete withdrawal from the social networking world. I'm really excited. It's making time go by really slowly knowing that they're coming today. I keep thinking about my birthday Saturday, how it's only Thursday, and how I LITERALLY have to wait until Saturday before we can do anything related to being 21. The anticipation is killing me. Not even turning 21, but like, I just want my birthday to be here!

As of right now the plan is still to see Your Highness Friday night sometime, maybe go to dinner tonight, and just chill at my apartment Saturday. I wish I had a ton of money right now. There's a lot of expensive things I want right now. Summer clothes, clothes to go out with my sister and some girls from 2-1-1. I also REALLY want this ring.

http://www.zales.com/product/index.jsp?productId=11129668&kpc=1

It's on sale and really pretty. I'm dead set on it, I just don't know when I'll have the money :/


At any rate, it should be an amazing next few days, and an AWFUL week for school next week. I have so many last tests AND final preparation and we all know I'm not going to get anything done over the weekend. Oh well....gotta love college.

Busy As A...Bee?

So last night was pretty awesome. I went with my room mates while they got piercings lol. The other Jessica got her nose pierced and Mallory got her belly button pierced. I had been peer pressuring Mallory like crazy to do it. I was very confident she'd like it and that piercing involves minimal pain. I think she's really happy she did it, it looks cute. I give Jessica props for going through it. A needle through the nose sounds awful to me and she said the pain was a lot more than she anticipated. It was exciting and it made me want to get anything pierced or tattooed right then! Oh Amanda, where were you during this urge!? Lol There's nothing I want pierced anymore though and I'm not ready for another tattoo... yet.

I came home with an energy drink ready to do work. I have SO much to get done before this weekend. It seems I have a million tests and homework assignments to prepare for. I really just want it all out of the way so I can have a care free weekend. That's part of the reason I've fallen off the blogging universe. I did a ton of work last night and now I have a ton of reading before Thursday.

I'm so excited for this weekend. I wish a few hundred dollars would just fall in my hands right now. I want to buy a bunch of stuff to make sure that my friends coming up here will have a good time. I don't want everyone sitting around being bored, but people keep reassuring me that you don't need much to do if you're drinking. I don't know. I'm still worried about being a bad host. I think it'll be fun to try new things in general. I want to look up jello shots recipes for a fun thing to make during the day and I bought a blender to make fun icy drinks! :D lol I'm gonna have a blast just making stuff. I feel like I might go over board with what I buy too. I don't know how far a bottle of alcohol goes and I want to try everything lol Drink really should be progressive experience. People who literally wait until they're 21 like me are bound to go overboard.

I'm kind of nervous about all of the myths people keep telling me about. Don't mix dark with light liquor. Don't mix beer with liquor. Don't eat this, don't eat that. Drink this before that. I feel like no matter how careful, what order, or how anything is made, I'm doomed to get sick. What REALLY matters when it comes to the type of alcohol you're drinking? I honestly have no clue :/ I'm a little sad that I won't have birthday cake on my birthday either. :( That's kind of a... mom goes out, buys a cake, hides it, then brings it out for happy birthday and I don't think my friends are going to think to do that or be that coordinated. Oh well :/

I'm probably going to have a million more posts about my birthday. Bare with me, you only turn 21 once :D

Gimme Gimme Gimme

So, one of my friends has this awesome blog that really helps me when I think about buying any kind of beauty products. I'm one of those girls who has this set, simple routine for make-up and her reviews really make me want to break out of that routine.

Anyway, this said blog is awesome, and is hosting a give away. Her name is Miranda and here is a link to her post. http://miranda-lifeisanart.blogspot.com/2011/04/25-follower-giveaway-d.html

The give away has a bunch of cute jewelry, make up, gift card, and a cute make up bag. Check it out and follow her!!!

Um...Yeah, No.

...And that's why we don't base our life plans on others and their choices.




I.Will.Not.Settle.

Pft....You're Not Important At All!

In this day and age, how come we don't have a system set up where all I have to do is type in exactly what I want in a man, and then I'm given my best matche's contact information? Why? Don't you think that would make millions? I know there are dating websites, but I mean straight up type it in, no need to put yourself out there and talk with people online, just straight up you have everything I want, we should hang out.

I'm really frustrated with feeling like I want things so much more than others around me. With guys, with peers in school, with working relationships. All of it. I want to see people, hang out, talk, walk through life with them, but it's like...by no means reciprocated. I'm tired of being disappointed with the quality of people around me. Where the hell did all the good natured, hard working, fun people go?


Anyway....today, and this week have been good despite my rant just then. I've been in a good mood and I don't have a ton of school work or tests at the moment. I'm going home this weekend and I hope it'll be a good time. I'm getting more excited for my 21st. Been stocking up on snacks and stuff. I'm worried that everyone is going to get bored hanging out at my apartment though. Any ideas to entertain people?

Looking Back

"Looking back, I have this to regret, that too often when I loved, I did not say so." -David Grayson

I wanted to write a blog looking back on this past year of my life. Like any other year, so much has happened. So many mind blowing things! But of course looking back on this particular one is going to make it seem even more jam packed with craziness. So here it goes...

The first thing that comes to mind from age 20 to age 21 is my break up with Thomas. My birthday is in the middle of April and I remember feeling like something was up with Thomas right at the beginning of May last year. It was upsetting in general, but it was extra upsetting when I started to notice because I thought in April Thomas and I got extra close. In May, Thomas went to Tampa for a wedding, and he hardly talked to me while he was gone. We fought really badly, and frequently that weekend. He was drinking a lot and I kept feeling like he wasn't telling me something. In June, I found out he was the only one to take pictures with his corresponding brides maid in intimate poses. He didn't even tell me about it. He lied straight to my face and his room mates brought it up. Everyone else in the bridal party did silly things. Coincidence?

A few weeks later, his room mates tagged me in photos of Thomas putting the garder on the girl's leg. It was a REALLY low blow and I don't feel like he adequately stood up for me. During this time, we were still fighting a lot and it seemed like Thomas went from being serious about wanting to marry me, to not being sure about anything. It was a complete 180. In my conditoning and learning class, we learned about this process call extinction bursts. An extinction burst is an animal doing a specific behavior that used to be rewarding a bunch of times. It's like the animal is hoping and praying that the more it does it, and the harder it does the behavior, that the reward will come back. Eventually it just quits. I bring this up because looking back, I feel like Thomas went from saving money, looking at rings, talking about our wedding, hinting about engagements, to avoiding all conversation, and being unsure.

Then in July, I was at Thomas' apartment while he was at work. I saw on his aim logs all these intimate conversations with his best friend's girlfriend. I'm not gonna rehash everything that was said. Trust that it was definitely cheating, and hinted at a lot more than late night lustful conversations. I read all this the day before my niece was born. It was awful. My niece has the same name at the girl he cheated with too. I felt so foolish too. I was devastated and infuriated, but I still wanted to fix things. I'm not happy with that choice, but the only logical explanation is that I really loved Thomas and I was willing to make it work. To make an already long story a little shorter, he led me on again. I thought we were fixing things and we weren't.

With that atmosphere set, I started the Fall semester of my senior year. At the time I was still overwhelmed with sadness. I wasn't eating. I wasn't sleeping. I wasn't doing anything. I was crying all the time. I had to apply to graduate school though. I had to take the GRE. I had to pass my classes... I also started talking to Robbie again around this time. That was a big leap for me. It was a risk. I didn't even know if he'd want to try to be friends again or not, but I tried and we jumped back in to our friendship like it hadn't missed a beat. I love that about us. It makes me feel stronger to see how concrete our friendship is. That might sound like an oxymoron if you know my past with Robbie, but when I say concrete, I mean how we need each other. I don't know how to explain it. But we'll always be friends.

I made it through the application process. I had a lot of good times with Amanda visiting Tallahasee and Robbie teaching me to shoot in the Fall and winter break was absolutely amazing. I felt like I did so much healing. It was crazy. I couldn't have done it without my family, my mom in particular and my friends. Everyone was really understanding and supportive. I came back for Spring feeling relieved. All of the hard stuff was through and I basically just had to get through classes until graduation. I got a grad school interview and survived. I'm still waiting to hear about the alternate list, but I'm okay with waiting right now.

I'm really happy with where I am. I'm happy that what happened with Thomas happened. I'm happy more time didn't pass being stuck in something that was dead. I'm happy with how close I am with my friends and how I'm friends with Robbie again. I'm elated to be graduating soon and to know inside what I accomplished. I'm excited to see what the next year brings with either getting my masters degree or taking the year off. This past year has taught me a new understanding of trust. I think it was gut wrenching experience I really needed. It taught me to appreciate what I have and to learn even more from my past mistakes. I also learned how to stay motivated. I took on SO much this past year. I don't want to say I was independent, because I still feel so strongly attached to my supports, but I definitely did a lot more for me this year. I hope 21 is as rewarding as the past few months have been :D

A++

ROBBIE PASSED THE STATE EXAM!!!!!



I'm beyond excited and proud. I couldn't think of someone who deserves it more :D

No More

I've written three different full posts about how I'm feeling and thinking right now...and deleted them all. I don't understand why it's so hard for me to express this. I think it's because I know this isn't private, and I'm constantly holding back. Kind of sucks, but at the same time, I'm happy people can read this. Anyway, I'm going to take the shorter route and hopefully the same goal is accomplished.

Note to self: When you start to doubt...
1.) where you're going
2.) what you're doing
3.) who you're with
4.) who's with you
5.) how you're feeling
6.) who cares

...remember this week. Remember how you felt. Remember how you're feeling. Remember everything that happened, everything. The smiles, the fights, the crying, the jokes, the conversation, the trips, and most importantly, the absolute unconditional love.

Remember that, and stop doubting.