Looking Back

"Looking back, I have this to regret, that too often when I loved, I did not say so." -David Grayson

I wanted to write a blog looking back on this past year of my life. Like any other year, so much has happened. So many mind blowing things! But of course looking back on this particular one is going to make it seem even more jam packed with craziness. So here it goes...

The first thing that comes to mind from age 20 to age 21 is my break up with Thomas. My birthday is in the middle of April and I remember feeling like something was up with Thomas right at the beginning of May last year. It was upsetting in general, but it was extra upsetting when I started to notice because I thought in April Thomas and I got extra close. In May, Thomas went to Tampa for a wedding, and he hardly talked to me while he was gone. We fought really badly, and frequently that weekend. He was drinking a lot and I kept feeling like he wasn't telling me something. In June, I found out he was the only one to take pictures with his corresponding brides maid in intimate poses. He didn't even tell me about it. He lied straight to my face and his room mates brought it up. Everyone else in the bridal party did silly things. Coincidence?

A few weeks later, his room mates tagged me in photos of Thomas putting the garder on the girl's leg. It was a REALLY low blow and I don't feel like he adequately stood up for me. During this time, we were still fighting a lot and it seemed like Thomas went from being serious about wanting to marry me, to not being sure about anything. It was a complete 180. In my conditoning and learning class, we learned about this process call extinction bursts. An extinction burst is an animal doing a specific behavior that used to be rewarding a bunch of times. It's like the animal is hoping and praying that the more it does it, and the harder it does the behavior, that the reward will come back. Eventually it just quits. I bring this up because looking back, I feel like Thomas went from saving money, looking at rings, talking about our wedding, hinting about engagements, to avoiding all conversation, and being unsure.

Then in July, I was at Thomas' apartment while he was at work. I saw on his aim logs all these intimate conversations with his best friend's girlfriend. I'm not gonna rehash everything that was said. Trust that it was definitely cheating, and hinted at a lot more than late night lustful conversations. I read all this the day before my niece was born. It was awful. My niece has the same name at the girl he cheated with too. I felt so foolish too. I was devastated and infuriated, but I still wanted to fix things. I'm not happy with that choice, but the only logical explanation is that I really loved Thomas and I was willing to make it work. To make an already long story a little shorter, he led me on again. I thought we were fixing things and we weren't.

With that atmosphere set, I started the Fall semester of my senior year. At the time I was still overwhelmed with sadness. I wasn't eating. I wasn't sleeping. I wasn't doing anything. I was crying all the time. I had to apply to graduate school though. I had to take the GRE. I had to pass my classes... I also started talking to Robbie again around this time. That was a big leap for me. It was a risk. I didn't even know if he'd want to try to be friends again or not, but I tried and we jumped back in to our friendship like it hadn't missed a beat. I love that about us. It makes me feel stronger to see how concrete our friendship is. That might sound like an oxymoron if you know my past with Robbie, but when I say concrete, I mean how we need each other. I don't know how to explain it. But we'll always be friends.

I made it through the application process. I had a lot of good times with Amanda visiting Tallahasee and Robbie teaching me to shoot in the Fall and winter break was absolutely amazing. I felt like I did so much healing. It was crazy. I couldn't have done it without my family, my mom in particular and my friends. Everyone was really understanding and supportive. I came back for Spring feeling relieved. All of the hard stuff was through and I basically just had to get through classes until graduation. I got a grad school interview and survived. I'm still waiting to hear about the alternate list, but I'm okay with waiting right now.

I'm really happy with where I am. I'm happy that what happened with Thomas happened. I'm happy more time didn't pass being stuck in something that was dead. I'm happy with how close I am with my friends and how I'm friends with Robbie again. I'm elated to be graduating soon and to know inside what I accomplished. I'm excited to see what the next year brings with either getting my masters degree or taking the year off. This past year has taught me a new understanding of trust. I think it was gut wrenching experience I really needed. It taught me to appreciate what I have and to learn even more from my past mistakes. I also learned how to stay motivated. I took on SO much this past year. I don't want to say I was independent, because I still feel so strongly attached to my supports, but I definitely did a lot more for me this year. I hope 21 is as rewarding as the past few months have been :D