Dead End

Today has been nothing but awful. Let me start by saying that right now, I don't want to be any more rational or logical than I am already being. Don't tell me it's not all bad. Don't tell me to look on the bright side. There is MINIMAL bright side. So save it.

I went to my first class at 8am. It's a stupid, introductory course for criminology, my minor. Attendance mandatory. Strike one from the get go. Anyway, I'm super tired. The time change is lame. Coming off of spring break is lame. School in general...is lame.

I leave my class at 8:50am. I'm rushing back to my apartment, on a painful ankle from some freak accident during spring break, to hop in my car, and head out to the prison like I always do on Monday morning. I grab my stuff, and text the other girl that goes out to the prison. She wanted to ride with me because she needed to get some work done on her car today. I get in MY CAR and what do you know....it won't stay on. My car was meant to die in May of 2009. The engine imploded basically and instead of trashing it, we replaced the engine. It's been nothing but a money sucker, problem after problem. Since May of 2009, I think roughly $5000-6000 has been put into my car to keep it working. That is ridiculous money spent on a 2000 ford focus. Thankfully, some rearranging was done, and the girl came and got me instead.

Having car trouble, once again, ruined my day. I was at the prison tired and upset. THEN, I check my email, and lo-and-behold, UCF decided to email me about my grad school application! Guess what Jessica busted her butt for the past three years, taking 17 credit hours per semester, volunteering 300+ hours, working two jobs, and doing other extracurriculars in the psychology field for!? For THE ALTERNATE LIST. Not accepted. Second best. A maybe option. That's what I busted my butt for. I have to wait, and see if any of the 16 people who WERE accepted turn down the offer for another school. Icing on top of the cake? I don't even know how many have to say no before a spot is made for me. I don't know how many people are on this "alternate list", nor how many people are ahead of me on it. What I do know is they have until my FREAKING BIRTHDAY to decide what they wanna do, so I get to wait a month and wonder where my life will go for the next few years. Awesome.

I'm beyond upset. I work harder than ANYONE I know. I don't care how selfish that sounds. I feel cheated. I feel like UCF is telling me I'm a failure and that's unacceptable. Don't tell me I'm being melodramatic. I KNOW I'm being illogical, but right now, that sensation is stronger than anything. Everything I worked for....not accepted.


Don't expect much positivity from me right now. I'm back in Tallahassee which is unhappiness at it's greatest...than all this crap piled on. I'm sick of this roller coaster of emotion. I'm sick of not knowing.