This blog is going to be random. Basically a bunch of things I've been pondering today. I'm having one of those days where I'm over analyzing my feelings and some characteristics I possess/lack. I'm going to try to keep this as organized as possible, but I'm sure if any of you have ever just been lost in thought, you know how you can bounce from one thought to the other.
So here we go....
I want to point out two characteristics. Mostly so I don't forget, but so you can see how they relate for me.
Jealousy and Dependence
So I'm going to start with dependence because it's a shorter rant. I feel as though I am a VERY independent person when it comes to school, life choices, finances, interests, etc. I had a plan for myself, for my career and interests and I'm making it happen. I support myself, even if it's through loans. No one is paving my way FOR ME. Nobody solely decides what I like and don't like. Sure, I'm influenced by friends and family, but I am in control. These aspects are normal for me, but not when it comes to relational dependency.
I am VERY dependent on my friends and connections I have. Again, not for things I need or my accomplishments, just more so general happiness. But again, I want to focus more on romantic relationships.
*****Mini disclaimer: I'm not asking for your approval or judgment. This is me thinking about a characteristic I've known I possess and have struggled with for a while. You don't have the right answers or solutions anymore than I do.**** But anyway, I feel as though I NEED to be in a relationship. I hate being alone. I hate feeling like I'll stay alone. I hate how much I expect from significant others sometimes. It leaves me vulnerable for a lot of let down. I'm not sure how to deal with this though.
In the past, I've had significant others that reciprocated my actions. They called me a lot, they made plans with me a lot. I've had significant others that never talked on the phone with me, never communicated really ever, and it was almost impossible to secure some of their time. I've also had significant others that I could spend time with, but our communication was crap. From all of this experience, I still don't know how to maintain a balance. I feel as though I get to a point where I just don't care, and I cease communicating myself. One of two things usually happens then. We either stop talking, or the other people realizes I've stopped and doesn't understand why I gave up.
Why is it so hard to put forth effort yourself? So what I'm getting at is I'd like to be more independent. I wish it didn't effect me as strongly that some relationships are lackluster at times.
Moving on to jealousy. I feel as though I couldn't care less what people have, or look like, or other things you can be jealous of. I don't even get envious-jealous of my friends who have boyfriends. It's a, 'I'm so happy for you and yeah I wish i had that too' good-jealous. But the type of jealousy I do experience is nuts. This is relational jealousy, as well, but it's not limited to romantic partners. I LOATHE when my friends or love interests are talking to someone new, or someone from our past that we mutually know, but that I don't like. This sensation is OVERWHELMING. I feel like poison is in my blood when I experience this. Just reading stuff on facebook gets me crazy angry. Granted, this feeling subsides as quickly as it sets on. I realize that I'm being irrational, and that just because they are talking or they are friends again doesn't mean I'm being replaced, forgotten, or unwanted. It's just weird.
I don't know why I feel this way. This has been, by far, my biggest character flaw and struggle. It really gets in the way of friendships and relationships sometimes. I've calmed down SIGNIFICANTLY since high school, but it's still a sickening feeling.
These are the things I've been thinking about today. Like I said, I appreciate if you can relate, and if you'd like to share how you've dealt with similar problems, but if you want to pass judgment on my experiences, save it. If you don't experience this, or understand why I'm like this, than maybe you should just save your comments. I say this because this is MY forum for thought. Negativity isn't supposed to be here. Otherwise, please, I'd love to know what you think or feel too. I also realize there's no solid solution to these sorts of things. I was just kind of particularly aware of it recently, and I've continuously trying to manage these emotions.
Do you ever have moments like this? Of all characteristics/flaws, why was jealousy/dependence mine? Not complaining, there are worse character flaws, just curiosity :) What do you struggle with?
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I think I've always, always always been dependent on other people. For very many things in my life. I know it was because of how I was raised. No one really made me do anything for myself, and I was always surrounded by a huge family that spoiled me. I never really realized that I didn't do/or didn't have to do normal things that other kids do until I was like 12. And things like that still affect me (paying for things, driving, etc) even though I've tried not to be so dependent on my parents. But I think I'll hopefully grow out of that eventually. But I think I'll always be dependent on my friends, at least to a certain point. I think it's because I've never had to many really close friends and once I do get them, I get possesive and scared. Like you said, I'm afraid of getting replaced. So, I think we're both on the level with that one, lol. But I don't know. I don't think it's a flaw to depend, at least somewhat, on a friend or a partner for your happiness. I think that's what friends are for. ...But I do know and understand that it's important to be able to rely on yourself and stand on your own for times when you won't or don't have anyone. But if you do have friends or people in your life that will pull you up when your down, then why not depend on them, ya know. That's what they're there for. <3
ReplyDeleteIf this doesn't make sense, I'm sorry. It's because I'm about to fall asleep and face plant into my keyboard, I'm so tired, lol. I'll reiterate later. :)
It makes perfect sense. I trust my friends with my happiness more than significant others lol
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