UT campus shooting

:(

I hate when campus shootings happen. Obviously for a number of reasons, but it hits me too close to home. I can't imagine what I would feel like if FSU was locked down with a shooter on campus. Thankfully no one was hurt by the shooter, but it's upsetting that he killed himself afterwards.

Praying for Texas, the safety of students, and the shooter's family.

what time?

I am very overwhelmed right now. Mainly with school. I would seriously like a time manager to try to crack my schedule:

Monday:
wake up at 7:30 get ready and pack breakfast
leave the apartment by 8:30 to drive an hour away to the prison
leave prison at 1:30 drive hour back to apartment by 2:30
eat and leave apartment by 3 to make it to class on time
class from 3:30-4:50; walk home by 5:15
eat and change for work, leave by 6:40
work from 7-11
go to bed by 12

Tuesday:
wake up at 8:30 get ready, leave for class at 9:10
class from 9:30-11:30, walk home by 11:45
make lunch leave for class again by 1:30
class from 2-6:30
RUN home leave apartment by 6:45, head to volunteer building
train new volunteers from 7-10
go to bed by 12

Wednesday:
wake up at 6am, get ready and grab breakfast, leave apartment by 6:40
work 7am-2pm, rush home eat and get stuff, leave for class by 3pm
class from 3:30-4:50,
usually i have wednesday night to myself, but lately it's been extra volunteering and doing research int he psych lab

Thursday:
wake up at 7am get ready and grab breakfast, leave by 7:40 for my volunteer shift
volunteer from 8-11 on the phones, rush home eat grab stuff leave for campus by 12:10
lab meeting from 12:30-1:30
class from 2-6:30
RUN home and leave by 6:40 to train new volunteers
training from 7-10
bed by 12

Friday:
no class but typically i have more volunteer stuff, or lately car trouble that i have to tend to. I don't know what I can cut out to have time for my sanity. Work is at the bottom of my list, but i can't afford not to work the very little hours I have.

I have no idea what's happening in class either. I can't focus lately. Idk what I'm going to do for this next round of exams. Idk how i survived the first ones. Is anyone else this bogged down?

digging the hole

I have insanely high expectations for people right now. I think it's because I feel so disappointed by some people in my life so it's like, I need others to restore my faith in friends and relationships. I know that is a completely unfair expectation, but I am having a hard time suppressing it.

I feel like I need time with myself and to deal with these feelings, but gah...i don't want to be alone.

Uncertainty

Disclamer: This will not be a positive happy blog.


The whole summer has been so hard for me. You think that would have clued me in to some of what went down the past few months, but honestly, I still feel like out of no where a truck ran me over.

I don't know how I feel about anything anymore. To try to keep my thoughts somewhat organized and on track, I'm going to do this blog as a list:

1.) Fall already started?
Didn't summer classes just end? I feel so unorganized. I have nothing I need for my classes, I don't even really know what we are doing in any of them. Most would say it's the second week, that's fine, but I have three exams next week. I need to know what's going on... Also, I don't feel excited for any of my classes this time around and my professors are all pretty lame this semester :(

2.) Friendships/Relationships
I'm so tired of getting lied to and being disappointed. In the past 6 months, I lost two very important people to me. In both situations, I never saw such dramatic changes taking place. Normally if someone would say that to me, I would advise them to do some introspection and ask what they might have been doing wrong instead of blaming others, but honestly, i can't think of wrong choices I made. What it comes down to is complete dishonesty killed both relationships. As more time passes, these people continue to blow my mind. The choices and actions they are making are so uncharacteristic of the people I knew. How can I honestly have not seen this in them? Two of my closest friends/loved ones? How?

3.) Trust & Love
I've never felt so cynical in my life. I feel like I've always gave people the benefit of the doubt, always had a "it could still work out" outlook, but i see that changing very fast. I'm really starting to doubt that real love exists. People can enjoy one another, but I'm not sure there is such a thing as a "life partner" or even a friend who will ALWAYS be there. I feel like my expectations for people are sky rocketing to an unrealistic point which is kind of like a lose lose. Even having this realization of the changes in me isn't making it any easier to stop it from happening though. :(

4.) My future
I have no idea what I want to do now. I am supposed to apply for graduate school this semester. Honestly, I don't know if I can or want to do it now. I know I need to, but I feel so lost.



To wrap it up, I'm really confused about a lot of things. What do I know though?
I know I want to hang out with more people. I'd like to say that means meet more people in Tallahassee, but it's just not my environment. I would really like to reconnect with some people from high school. I know I need to keep my weekends busy.

Any tips on any of this?

:(

I've never been lied too so much in my entire life.


I'm falling apart.

Where's rock bottom?

Things are getting steadily worse for me. I think that's saying enough to understand if I'm depressed for the next year.

My niece was born. Only bit of happiness.

Growth

It's been a long time since I've written. I don't even remember what my last blog was about and I was too lazy to reread it before I started writing this. I haven't been wanting to blog because I haven't had anything that wasn't depressing to say. I feel like I complain about Tallahassee a lot, but I realize that that wasn't stress. I just hate it here. I miss home, family, friends, and Thomas. I think this summer I reevaluated what it worth complaining about.

I feel like this summer has been nothing but high stress. Can you see why I didn't want to post? Who wants to read that crap? What person wants to rehash it all? I've had a lot thrown in my face the past two months or so. I completely stopped working out, and I feel as though my body is in safe mode. Eating junk again, always tired. Things that I liked going to do take an immense effort to get me to go to now.

I want to say things are getting better. They are. However, I'm an extremely impatient person, so I imagine my doubt in the previous sentences is because it's not getting where I want it to be as fast as I had hoped. I am really struggling with the my plan versus God's plan thing lately.

Anyway, this summer has shown me how much people change too. I've lost friends and discovered insane things about other friends. It blows my mind thinking about freshmen year of high school and how things are now. A lot of people in my life are really struggling right now too.

I guess what this blog is really about is how much I've been observing lately. I've been making changes. I've been putting forth CRAZY effort on habits I have that I KNOW are bad and finally working towards fixing that. Also just observing my friends and family. Their trials and achievements. Also just seeing where my life is heading, well sort of, like I said my plan doesn't seem to matter anymore. I don't know. I feel like I'm rambling but it's been a lot to take in. I was just wondering if anyone else is experiencing this sort of thing right now. Maybe this is just one of those life changing times? Like transitions from high school to college and not college to life?