Lie to me

I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you.

Right?

:(

After a day like today....

All I wanna do is complain, so here we go.

I didn't get any sleep last night. I woke up so many times I lost count. I also had a nightmare last night. You think that waking up so many times would make it go away, or usually if you stay awake long enough you won't have that dream again. Nope. Not last night. Every time I DID fall back asleep, I went right back into that nightmare. It was awful and by the time I got up for work I was not only sick with exhaustion, I felt absolutely miserable and upset. It was such a bad dream and it put me in an awful mood. :(

And since I'm complaining, I'm going to take it a step further and say some things I've been wanting to say for a while now.
If you don't feel like talking, that's fine. We don't have to. I'm sick of these god dang games.
I'm sick of trying so dang hard for people who don't do jack for me or act like they give a damn.
I'm sick of busting my butt in all aspects of life and seeming like it's getting me no where.
I'm tired of caring in general. It doesn't seem like it's paying off anymore and it's making me a bitter person.
My life needs to change directions, but you see, I don't think I really want that. I try so dang hard for the people in my life because they mean something to me. They're there for a reason, and I care about them. Why is it too much to ask for the same dang effort in return? Why? Why am I not worth it?

I'm sick of asking myself that question.

:D

This has been a great Christmas break. Hope this is a preview of what's to come in 2011 :D

new years resolution?

There's so much this semester that is happening that I don't like. It's very evident if you're involved in any aspect of my life. I'm unhappy.

I try to give myself some credit for some changes though. I overcame a huge obstacle this semester and have been powering through all of the graduation processes and apply to grad school stuff, but there are a lot of things I'm still letting slide in my life that contribute to my daily unhappiness.

Isn't that baffling? I know I'm not the only one who does it, but to sit here, daily, weekly, whatever, and KNOW what things are huge factors in my unhappiness, but not changing it.

I want to change it. I hope I change it. I hope by the new year I'll have more of an understanding of this situation and have more of a concrete way of executing the change. Support is much needed.

so this is what I want to try to do, regardless of the year, just soon:
1.) delete my facebook, permanently
2.) continue the battle against my weight
3.) redefine some unhealthy friendships
4.) continue to curb my nosiness and jealousy
5.) do more things for myself

It's been a while

I feel like I haven't blogged in a while. I am not sure if it makes a difference to anyone, but I figured I'd just do a short update.

But you see, I don't know what to say. When people ask me how I've been lately, how is school going, what I've been up to, I honestly have nothing good to say. I try to rationalize that with I've never liked Tallahassee, so it's no different this year, but basically, I'm really unhappy. I feel like I made some progress at the end of August, early September, but I'm sinking back into a really bad place again. :(

At any given moment it's really easy for me to just burst into tears. I feel like I can't find my footing anymore. I don't know :(

So like I said, I guess I don't have much to say. Nothing has really changed since this summer. I'm really unhappy.

UT campus shooting

:(

I hate when campus shootings happen. Obviously for a number of reasons, but it hits me too close to home. I can't imagine what I would feel like if FSU was locked down with a shooter on campus. Thankfully no one was hurt by the shooter, but it's upsetting that he killed himself afterwards.

Praying for Texas, the safety of students, and the shooter's family.

what time?

I am very overwhelmed right now. Mainly with school. I would seriously like a time manager to try to crack my schedule:

Monday:
wake up at 7:30 get ready and pack breakfast
leave the apartment by 8:30 to drive an hour away to the prison
leave prison at 1:30 drive hour back to apartment by 2:30
eat and leave apartment by 3 to make it to class on time
class from 3:30-4:50; walk home by 5:15
eat and change for work, leave by 6:40
work from 7-11
go to bed by 12

Tuesday:
wake up at 8:30 get ready, leave for class at 9:10
class from 9:30-11:30, walk home by 11:45
make lunch leave for class again by 1:30
class from 2-6:30
RUN home leave apartment by 6:45, head to volunteer building
train new volunteers from 7-10
go to bed by 12

Wednesday:
wake up at 6am, get ready and grab breakfast, leave apartment by 6:40
work 7am-2pm, rush home eat and get stuff, leave for class by 3pm
class from 3:30-4:50,
usually i have wednesday night to myself, but lately it's been extra volunteering and doing research int he psych lab

Thursday:
wake up at 7am get ready and grab breakfast, leave by 7:40 for my volunteer shift
volunteer from 8-11 on the phones, rush home eat grab stuff leave for campus by 12:10
lab meeting from 12:30-1:30
class from 2-6:30
RUN home and leave by 6:40 to train new volunteers
training from 7-10
bed by 12

Friday:
no class but typically i have more volunteer stuff, or lately car trouble that i have to tend to. I don't know what I can cut out to have time for my sanity. Work is at the bottom of my list, but i can't afford not to work the very little hours I have.

I have no idea what's happening in class either. I can't focus lately. Idk what I'm going to do for this next round of exams. Idk how i survived the first ones. Is anyone else this bogged down?