digging the hole

I have insanely high expectations for people right now. I think it's because I feel so disappointed by some people in my life so it's like, I need others to restore my faith in friends and relationships. I know that is a completely unfair expectation, but I am having a hard time suppressing it.

I feel like I need time with myself and to deal with these feelings, but gah...i don't want to be alone.

Uncertainty

Disclamer: This will not be a positive happy blog.


The whole summer has been so hard for me. You think that would have clued me in to some of what went down the past few months, but honestly, I still feel like out of no where a truck ran me over.

I don't know how I feel about anything anymore. To try to keep my thoughts somewhat organized and on track, I'm going to do this blog as a list:

1.) Fall already started?
Didn't summer classes just end? I feel so unorganized. I have nothing I need for my classes, I don't even really know what we are doing in any of them. Most would say it's the second week, that's fine, but I have three exams next week. I need to know what's going on... Also, I don't feel excited for any of my classes this time around and my professors are all pretty lame this semester :(

2.) Friendships/Relationships
I'm so tired of getting lied to and being disappointed. In the past 6 months, I lost two very important people to me. In both situations, I never saw such dramatic changes taking place. Normally if someone would say that to me, I would advise them to do some introspection and ask what they might have been doing wrong instead of blaming others, but honestly, i can't think of wrong choices I made. What it comes down to is complete dishonesty killed both relationships. As more time passes, these people continue to blow my mind. The choices and actions they are making are so uncharacteristic of the people I knew. How can I honestly have not seen this in them? Two of my closest friends/loved ones? How?

3.) Trust & Love
I've never felt so cynical in my life. I feel like I've always gave people the benefit of the doubt, always had a "it could still work out" outlook, but i see that changing very fast. I'm really starting to doubt that real love exists. People can enjoy one another, but I'm not sure there is such a thing as a "life partner" or even a friend who will ALWAYS be there. I feel like my expectations for people are sky rocketing to an unrealistic point which is kind of like a lose lose. Even having this realization of the changes in me isn't making it any easier to stop it from happening though. :(

4.) My future
I have no idea what I want to do now. I am supposed to apply for graduate school this semester. Honestly, I don't know if I can or want to do it now. I know I need to, but I feel so lost.



To wrap it up, I'm really confused about a lot of things. What do I know though?
I know I want to hang out with more people. I'd like to say that means meet more people in Tallahassee, but it's just not my environment. I would really like to reconnect with some people from high school. I know I need to keep my weekends busy.

Any tips on any of this?

:(

I've never been lied too so much in my entire life.


I'm falling apart.

Where's rock bottom?

Things are getting steadily worse for me. I think that's saying enough to understand if I'm depressed for the next year.

My niece was born. Only bit of happiness.

Growth

It's been a long time since I've written. I don't even remember what my last blog was about and I was too lazy to reread it before I started writing this. I haven't been wanting to blog because I haven't had anything that wasn't depressing to say. I feel like I complain about Tallahassee a lot, but I realize that that wasn't stress. I just hate it here. I miss home, family, friends, and Thomas. I think this summer I reevaluated what it worth complaining about.

I feel like this summer has been nothing but high stress. Can you see why I didn't want to post? Who wants to read that crap? What person wants to rehash it all? I've had a lot thrown in my face the past two months or so. I completely stopped working out, and I feel as though my body is in safe mode. Eating junk again, always tired. Things that I liked going to do take an immense effort to get me to go to now.

I want to say things are getting better. They are. However, I'm an extremely impatient person, so I imagine my doubt in the previous sentences is because it's not getting where I want it to be as fast as I had hoped. I am really struggling with the my plan versus God's plan thing lately.

Anyway, this summer has shown me how much people change too. I've lost friends and discovered insane things about other friends. It blows my mind thinking about freshmen year of high school and how things are now. A lot of people in my life are really struggling right now too.

I guess what this blog is really about is how much I've been observing lately. I've been making changes. I've been putting forth CRAZY effort on habits I have that I KNOW are bad and finally working towards fixing that. Also just observing my friends and family. Their trials and achievements. Also just seeing where my life is heading, well sort of, like I said my plan doesn't seem to matter anymore. I don't know. I feel like I'm rambling but it's been a lot to take in. I was just wondering if anyone else is experiencing this sort of thing right now. Maybe this is just one of those life changing times? Like transitions from high school to college and not college to life?

Class of 2011?

I'm going to graduate August 6, 2011. That blows my mind. One year from now I will be done with college. At least I think it's August 6Th. That's the summer graduation date and I'm almost certain there's no way I can graduate in the spring of next year, so I'm pretty positive it's August.

Being consciously aware of finishing college is making me even more of an impatient person. Everything I want is a year away. One year. That's it. I feel like there's no way this next year COULDN'T be a huge year for me.

Things I Want To Happen From Now Until August 6, 2011 In No Particular Order:
1.) Obtain a sufficient score on the GRE, even if I have to take it twice.
2.) Finish my 200 hour commitment at the crisis hot line.
3.) Apply and get accepted into a Masters program, preferably within 2-3 hours of Chiefland, Fl.
4.) Continue to get nothing less than a B and improve my GPA.
5.) Graduate by August 6, 2011, if not sooner.
6.) Get engaged to Thomas, plan a wedding, find a place to live, marry Thomas, and move to said place.
7.) Be around my nephew and soon to be niece as much as humanly possible. For that matter, being around my family period.
8.) Get out of Tallahassee with the intention of NEVER coming back.


If I can do all of those things in one year, then I will feel truly accomplished. I feel like I'm going to be a real adult soon. It might sound conceited to say this, but I am extremely proud of myself for graduating early. In most cases, I shrug it off when people congratulate me on my hard work. I say it's no big deal, and that psychology is a small major, but it IS a big deal. The other psych majors I know aren't ahead of their class. I don't know anyone who takes 17 credit hours, works, AND volunteers. If that makes me too proud, than I'm sorry you feel that way.

I think what makes me the happiest is that I can leave Tallahassee in one short year. Thomas should be graduating this upcoming December. :D Big things are happening. Just wanted to share and express my gratitude to God for getting me this far.

God give me the strength to...

1.) Stop being so crazy jealous
2.) Delete my Facebook


That would greatly decrease my stress. Thanks.