new years resolution?

There's so much this semester that is happening that I don't like. It's very evident if you're involved in any aspect of my life. I'm unhappy.

I try to give myself some credit for some changes though. I overcame a huge obstacle this semester and have been powering through all of the graduation processes and apply to grad school stuff, but there are a lot of things I'm still letting slide in my life that contribute to my daily unhappiness.

Isn't that baffling? I know I'm not the only one who does it, but to sit here, daily, weekly, whatever, and KNOW what things are huge factors in my unhappiness, but not changing it.

I want to change it. I hope I change it. I hope by the new year I'll have more of an understanding of this situation and have more of a concrete way of executing the change. Support is much needed.

so this is what I want to try to do, regardless of the year, just soon:
1.) delete my facebook, permanently
2.) continue the battle against my weight
3.) redefine some unhealthy friendships
4.) continue to curb my nosiness and jealousy
5.) do more things for myself

It's been a while

I feel like I haven't blogged in a while. I am not sure if it makes a difference to anyone, but I figured I'd just do a short update.

But you see, I don't know what to say. When people ask me how I've been lately, how is school going, what I've been up to, I honestly have nothing good to say. I try to rationalize that with I've never liked Tallahassee, so it's no different this year, but basically, I'm really unhappy. I feel like I made some progress at the end of August, early September, but I'm sinking back into a really bad place again. :(

At any given moment it's really easy for me to just burst into tears. I feel like I can't find my footing anymore. I don't know :(

So like I said, I guess I don't have much to say. Nothing has really changed since this summer. I'm really unhappy.

UT campus shooting

:(

I hate when campus shootings happen. Obviously for a number of reasons, but it hits me too close to home. I can't imagine what I would feel like if FSU was locked down with a shooter on campus. Thankfully no one was hurt by the shooter, but it's upsetting that he killed himself afterwards.

Praying for Texas, the safety of students, and the shooter's family.

what time?

I am very overwhelmed right now. Mainly with school. I would seriously like a time manager to try to crack my schedule:

Monday:
wake up at 7:30 get ready and pack breakfast
leave the apartment by 8:30 to drive an hour away to the prison
leave prison at 1:30 drive hour back to apartment by 2:30
eat and leave apartment by 3 to make it to class on time
class from 3:30-4:50; walk home by 5:15
eat and change for work, leave by 6:40
work from 7-11
go to bed by 12

Tuesday:
wake up at 8:30 get ready, leave for class at 9:10
class from 9:30-11:30, walk home by 11:45
make lunch leave for class again by 1:30
class from 2-6:30
RUN home leave apartment by 6:45, head to volunteer building
train new volunteers from 7-10
go to bed by 12

Wednesday:
wake up at 6am, get ready and grab breakfast, leave apartment by 6:40
work 7am-2pm, rush home eat and get stuff, leave for class by 3pm
class from 3:30-4:50,
usually i have wednesday night to myself, but lately it's been extra volunteering and doing research int he psych lab

Thursday:
wake up at 7am get ready and grab breakfast, leave by 7:40 for my volunteer shift
volunteer from 8-11 on the phones, rush home eat grab stuff leave for campus by 12:10
lab meeting from 12:30-1:30
class from 2-6:30
RUN home and leave by 6:40 to train new volunteers
training from 7-10
bed by 12

Friday:
no class but typically i have more volunteer stuff, or lately car trouble that i have to tend to. I don't know what I can cut out to have time for my sanity. Work is at the bottom of my list, but i can't afford not to work the very little hours I have.

I have no idea what's happening in class either. I can't focus lately. Idk what I'm going to do for this next round of exams. Idk how i survived the first ones. Is anyone else this bogged down?

digging the hole

I have insanely high expectations for people right now. I think it's because I feel so disappointed by some people in my life so it's like, I need others to restore my faith in friends and relationships. I know that is a completely unfair expectation, but I am having a hard time suppressing it.

I feel like I need time with myself and to deal with these feelings, but gah...i don't want to be alone.

Uncertainty

Disclamer: This will not be a positive happy blog.


The whole summer has been so hard for me. You think that would have clued me in to some of what went down the past few months, but honestly, I still feel like out of no where a truck ran me over.

I don't know how I feel about anything anymore. To try to keep my thoughts somewhat organized and on track, I'm going to do this blog as a list:

1.) Fall already started?
Didn't summer classes just end? I feel so unorganized. I have nothing I need for my classes, I don't even really know what we are doing in any of them. Most would say it's the second week, that's fine, but I have three exams next week. I need to know what's going on... Also, I don't feel excited for any of my classes this time around and my professors are all pretty lame this semester :(

2.) Friendships/Relationships
I'm so tired of getting lied to and being disappointed. In the past 6 months, I lost two very important people to me. In both situations, I never saw such dramatic changes taking place. Normally if someone would say that to me, I would advise them to do some introspection and ask what they might have been doing wrong instead of blaming others, but honestly, i can't think of wrong choices I made. What it comes down to is complete dishonesty killed both relationships. As more time passes, these people continue to blow my mind. The choices and actions they are making are so uncharacteristic of the people I knew. How can I honestly have not seen this in them? Two of my closest friends/loved ones? How?

3.) Trust & Love
I've never felt so cynical in my life. I feel like I've always gave people the benefit of the doubt, always had a "it could still work out" outlook, but i see that changing very fast. I'm really starting to doubt that real love exists. People can enjoy one another, but I'm not sure there is such a thing as a "life partner" or even a friend who will ALWAYS be there. I feel like my expectations for people are sky rocketing to an unrealistic point which is kind of like a lose lose. Even having this realization of the changes in me isn't making it any easier to stop it from happening though. :(

4.) My future
I have no idea what I want to do now. I am supposed to apply for graduate school this semester. Honestly, I don't know if I can or want to do it now. I know I need to, but I feel so lost.



To wrap it up, I'm really confused about a lot of things. What do I know though?
I know I want to hang out with more people. I'd like to say that means meet more people in Tallahassee, but it's just not my environment. I would really like to reconnect with some people from high school. I know I need to keep my weekends busy.

Any tips on any of this?

:(

I've never been lied too so much in my entire life.


I'm falling apart.