I heard this song on the radio tonight. I haven't heard it in a good while, but I've always loved it. It might be generic, and it might be typical Nickelback, but I can relate, and that means something to me. When I was listening to it, I just kept thinking how badly I wish I could say these lyrics to someone. It kind of makes me angry with myself, and humanity in general. It's crazy how strongly you can feel for someone or about something, but because of social norms, we hold back all of those feelings. I wish it wasn't this way. I have this nagging feeling I'm going to regret holding back so much :(
"Far Away"
This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know
[CHORUS]
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore
On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know
[CHORUS]
So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know
I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Exhale
So, my interview was this past Friday. I drove home Thursday afternoon, picked up my mom and we started the drive to Daytona. The drive seemed endless. Its the same distance from my mom's house as is Tallahassee, but it takes like a half an hour extra for some reason. We got to Daytona around 5pm Thursday, checked into our hotel, and then drove to the college to find all of the rooms I had to be in in advance. It was really easy since I had been there before. Then we went to Olive Garden for dinner. Amazing, as usual. The mall was right next to our hotel, so my mom and I walked around a little, retail therapy helped me calm down some.
When I got back to the hotel, I started more preparation. I kept reading over the program website to be familiar with the courses, mapping of the program, and financial aid options. I was trying to plan out good questions to ask that couldn't be answered by the website. I wrote all of my notes down in a professional looking notebook then went to sleep.
The interview process started at 7:45am on Friday. I made it to campus fine, and even made friends with a girl who was walking in with me. I was surprised to see SO MANY people there. There were about 40 others being interviewed for my program and there were others being interviewed by phone or by skype. The program only has 16 spots available. Everyone was super nice though. The faculty were hilarious, the current grad students were really chill and helpful. They started with an information review, then we broke up into groups and started the interview process. My group went through three group interviews, then our individual interviews. The group interviews were awesome. It was sort of open ended questions/discussions basically. I felt like I asked good questions in the groups and that I stood out. The current graduate students ran the group interviews. My individual interview was okay I guess. The lady didn't ask me a whole lot about my experience like I thought she would. It was more so questions about what the program expects and if I think I could handle it.
We ended the day with lunch and more opportunities for questions. I left the campus at 1:30, picked up my mom and got on the road. I was so ready to just be home and relaxing. We got home at like 4:30. It was crazy. All in all, it was easier than I was expecting, but I still have no idea what to think about if I got in. There were so many other people for my competition. I should find out this week though. Now I just have to get through this week ad make it to spring break :)
When I got back to the hotel, I started more preparation. I kept reading over the program website to be familiar with the courses, mapping of the program, and financial aid options. I was trying to plan out good questions to ask that couldn't be answered by the website. I wrote all of my notes down in a professional looking notebook then went to sleep.
The interview process started at 7:45am on Friday. I made it to campus fine, and even made friends with a girl who was walking in with me. I was surprised to see SO MANY people there. There were about 40 others being interviewed for my program and there were others being interviewed by phone or by skype. The program only has 16 spots available. Everyone was super nice though. The faculty were hilarious, the current grad students were really chill and helpful. They started with an information review, then we broke up into groups and started the interview process. My group went through three group interviews, then our individual interviews. The group interviews were awesome. It was sort of open ended questions/discussions basically. I felt like I asked good questions in the groups and that I stood out. The current graduate students ran the group interviews. My individual interview was okay I guess. The lady didn't ask me a whole lot about my experience like I thought she would. It was more so questions about what the program expects and if I think I could handle it.
We ended the day with lunch and more opportunities for questions. I left the campus at 1:30, picked up my mom and got on the road. I was so ready to just be home and relaxing. We got home at like 4:30. It was crazy. All in all, it was easier than I was expecting, but I still have no idea what to think about if I got in. There were so many other people for my competition. I should find out this week though. Now I just have to get through this week ad make it to spring break :)
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Step-by-step
I'm really stressed out right now if that isn't already evident. I'm getting to a point where my body and mind don't want anything to do with preparation for this interview. I've had Microsoft Word up for a while now trying to prepare for two more interview questions that were brought to my attention by an adviser. Simple things like 'tell me about yourself' and 'what classes have you taken that have molded your interests in psychology'. You think those questions are easy, but do you ever really go beyond 'I like to help people' or 'this stuff interests me' when you're explaining why you do what you do to other people?
It's making my stomach turn just thinking about it. I'm still beyond tired too. I called out of work today because I NEEDED more sleep, and time to get myself organized. I went to my only class and came back home to crash. I had a pretty nice nap, but I still feel exhausted. Again, I know fully why I feel this way. I have enough experience with stress to know how my body typically reacts, and I know it'll all be over soon, but man, it really is a struggle making it through this week.
I'm really disappointed in a lot of people too. I've made it plenty clear in many ways, or I've tried to, to explain how important this process, obtaining an interview, and getting through the interview is to me and my future, and yet, I feel very unsupported. My parents have been telling me I'll be fine, and that my hard work will pay off. Thanks, I hope so too, but really, is that all you have? But they're older, none of them know what this is like, so okay, they are off the hook. What about my friends? I know I have been rambling about this for some time, painting vivid images of what this process is like so they'd understand, and still, what do I get? 'You'll be fine, don't worry so much.' Are you serious?
That's not acceptable to me. I know it's easy for me to know what I'd like from someone right now, because yeah, I'm in my own mind knowing what my needs are right now, but is it REALLY that hard to check up on me more, ask me how I'm doing, and dig deeper than 'yeah, it sucks'? Even if maybe they DON'T understand how awful this process is, I don't need to understand what they are going through when they go through it. I still call them, text them, facebook them, do what I have to do to get it across to them that, Hey, I might not be able to relate, but I care about you and how you're feeling, and I can tell that you're struggling, and I might not be able to give the best options right now, but I'm not going to stop trying because I want to strengthen you when you feel weak.
So I'm hoping you actually give a damn, because if not, we have a bigger issue at hand. If it's REALLY not clear, what I need right now is for you to see how I'm doing throughout the whole day. Check up on me until Friday, and when I'm done Friday, give a damn about how it went. Be interested in what they asked me, and how I responded. Care about how I freaking feel. Encourage me. Give me pep talks. Don't tell me I'll breeze through it, tell me you know it's hard, but to go in with confidence and try my best, that in the end that's all I can do anyway. Maybe if I got a realistic encouragement from a friend then I might be more receptive to 'you're awesome, you can do this'. Stop leaving me alone in my panic. I'm struggling to stay afloat.
It's making my stomach turn just thinking about it. I'm still beyond tired too. I called out of work today because I NEEDED more sleep, and time to get myself organized. I went to my only class and came back home to crash. I had a pretty nice nap, but I still feel exhausted. Again, I know fully why I feel this way. I have enough experience with stress to know how my body typically reacts, and I know it'll all be over soon, but man, it really is a struggle making it through this week.
I'm really disappointed in a lot of people too. I've made it plenty clear in many ways, or I've tried to, to explain how important this process, obtaining an interview, and getting through the interview is to me and my future, and yet, I feel very unsupported. My parents have been telling me I'll be fine, and that my hard work will pay off. Thanks, I hope so too, but really, is that all you have? But they're older, none of them know what this is like, so okay, they are off the hook. What about my friends? I know I have been rambling about this for some time, painting vivid images of what this process is like so they'd understand, and still, what do I get? 'You'll be fine, don't worry so much.' Are you serious?
That's not acceptable to me. I know it's easy for me to know what I'd like from someone right now, because yeah, I'm in my own mind knowing what my needs are right now, but is it REALLY that hard to check up on me more, ask me how I'm doing, and dig deeper than 'yeah, it sucks'? Even if maybe they DON'T understand how awful this process is, I don't need to understand what they are going through when they go through it. I still call them, text them, facebook them, do what I have to do to get it across to them that, Hey, I might not be able to relate, but I care about you and how you're feeling, and I can tell that you're struggling, and I might not be able to give the best options right now, but I'm not going to stop trying because I want to strengthen you when you feel weak.
So I'm hoping you actually give a damn, because if not, we have a bigger issue at hand. If it's REALLY not clear, what I need right now is for you to see how I'm doing throughout the whole day. Check up on me until Friday, and when I'm done Friday, give a damn about how it went. Be interested in what they asked me, and how I responded. Care about how I freaking feel. Encourage me. Give me pep talks. Don't tell me I'll breeze through it, tell me you know it's hard, but to go in with confidence and try my best, that in the end that's all I can do anyway. Maybe if I got a realistic encouragement from a friend then I might be more receptive to 'you're awesome, you can do this'. Stop leaving me alone in my panic. I'm struggling to stay afloat.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
ticking time bomb
I'm really stressed right now. I just want this week to be over. For some reason I'm developing spring time allergies now. It's never bothered me before, but I feel like all day long my nose is constantly running and my eyes hurt. As soon as I walk outside, it's amplified like nobody's business. I'm also super exhausted for the past three or so days. I feel like thinking about the interview is making me restless as night. I can't get comfortable and I'm waking up a lot easier than usual. I've taken some benedryll but it's contributing to the exhaustion factor.
I am confident this will ease up some after this week, when the stress of the interview is over but gosh, making it until Friday is killing me. I'm really freaked out about what they're going to ask me during the interview. I don't want to stumble on my words, draw a blank, or not be able to answer something. I'm also worried that when it comes time for me to ask questions, I'm going to ask something silly. If you think I'm being dramatic, I'd be GLAD to send you some information on graduate school interviews that will show you that my stress response is normal. I'm just sick of feeling like I'm trying SO hard to get ahead and prepared, and feeling like I'm falling short still.
I have a mock interview with one of the graduate students in my lab today. That's also freaking me out because I'm trying to prepare my responses so that the time will be utilized effectively, but again, I can't freaking think straight because my head feels like it's all stuffed up.
I wish I wasn't so tired. I feel like I can't think clearly, and I have SO much to get done this week. It's making me panic. Spring break isn't coming fast enough.
I am confident this will ease up some after this week, when the stress of the interview is over but gosh, making it until Friday is killing me. I'm really freaked out about what they're going to ask me during the interview. I don't want to stumble on my words, draw a blank, or not be able to answer something. I'm also worried that when it comes time for me to ask questions, I'm going to ask something silly. If you think I'm being dramatic, I'd be GLAD to send you some information on graduate school interviews that will show you that my stress response is normal. I'm just sick of feeling like I'm trying SO hard to get ahead and prepared, and feeling like I'm falling short still.
I have a mock interview with one of the graduate students in my lab today. That's also freaking me out because I'm trying to prepare my responses so that the time will be utilized effectively, but again, I can't freaking think straight because my head feels like it's all stuffed up.
I wish I wasn't so tired. I feel like I can't think clearly, and I have SO much to get done this week. It's making me panic. Spring break isn't coming fast enough.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Wishful Thinking
I've been thinking about my 21st birthday obsessively, lol. I'm not doing anything outrageous, but it's exciting for me to have my friends coming here for it. Thinking about my birthday makes me think about awesome stuff I'd love to get for my birthday, so I wanted to make this post a wish-list of sorts. All of this stuff is outrageously expensive, but hey, a girl can wish, lol.
1.) Long-coat German Shepherd Puppy
I've wanted this puppy since it was first shown to me and I'm STILL scheming up ways to get one for when I graduate FSU. I've seen them anywhere between $500-$2000.
2.) Bersa Thunder .380
The Bersa gun I want is called the Thunder .380. Budsgunshop.com sells it in a kit that comes with rubber grips, a 9 round magazine, a cleaning kit, a holster, and a case for it. After all is said and done, it's around $350.
3.) Concealed Weapons Permit fee
I took the class to obtain my concealed weapons permit. To submit the application when I'm 21, I have to send in $117 dollars with it. Anyone want to take that off my hands? lol
4.) A new ring
I have been wanting a new ring for so long I can't even remember when the idea popped into my head. I see so many girls with such pretty jewelry and I feel like I don't have any. I'm sick of the ring I have and the memories that come with it. I've looked at tons of pictures online, rings ranging from $50-$200. The one in the picture is $152, but I'm not sure if I'm really liking that one.
That's all I can think of that I really want and have been wanting for a while. I always want new clothes, or to go out to dinner. An awesome night out with friends would be a great present.
This weekend was pretty amazing too. I needed it. I've been feeling sort of high strung lately. School is always so demanding. I've been working a lot between volunteering, winn-dixie, and the prison, and then I just feel like I have extra stuff to do now with no extra time. The interview at UCF this week has been weighing on my mind. I got much needed reassurance this weekend though, thank you :)
I didn't do anything spectacular this weekend, but it was still so nice. I got into town mid afternoon Friday, ate with a friend and hung out for the rest of the night. I spent Saturday with my dad, sister, nephew, and niece. I haven't seen the kids in over a month. I missed them so much. We ate in Gainesville, did some shopping, went to Sun Country for the kids, and ended the afternoon with TCBY ice cream. Today was really chill too. I got breakfast with my dad and planned to leave early. I stopped by a friend's house and hung out for a bit before I left. Perfect ending for a pretty awesome weekend.
When I got back into Tallahassee, I signed up for tanning. It's not something I've done since senior prom, but I want to feel comfortable in summer clothes, and not so paranoid about how ghostly white I am. I spent more than I planned, but I also got three weeks free tacked on to the month I paid for. One time splurging for myself :D
I'm sure this week is going to bring about loads of rants on how stressed I am. Fair warning.
1.) Long-coat German Shepherd Puppy
I've wanted this puppy since it was first shown to me and I'm STILL scheming up ways to get one for when I graduate FSU. I've seen them anywhere between $500-$2000.
2.) Bersa Thunder .380
The Bersa gun I want is called the Thunder .380. Budsgunshop.com sells it in a kit that comes with rubber grips, a 9 round magazine, a cleaning kit, a holster, and a case for it. After all is said and done, it's around $350.
3.) Concealed Weapons Permit fee
I took the class to obtain my concealed weapons permit. To submit the application when I'm 21, I have to send in $117 dollars with it. Anyone want to take that off my hands? lol
4.) A new ring
I have been wanting a new ring for so long I can't even remember when the idea popped into my head. I see so many girls with such pretty jewelry and I feel like I don't have any. I'm sick of the ring I have and the memories that come with it. I've looked at tons of pictures online, rings ranging from $50-$200. The one in the picture is $152, but I'm not sure if I'm really liking that one.
That's all I can think of that I really want and have been wanting for a while. I always want new clothes, or to go out to dinner. An awesome night out with friends would be a great present.
This weekend was pretty amazing too. I needed it. I've been feeling sort of high strung lately. School is always so demanding. I've been working a lot between volunteering, winn-dixie, and the prison, and then I just feel like I have extra stuff to do now with no extra time. The interview at UCF this week has been weighing on my mind. I got much needed reassurance this weekend though, thank you :)
I didn't do anything spectacular this weekend, but it was still so nice. I got into town mid afternoon Friday, ate with a friend and hung out for the rest of the night. I spent Saturday with my dad, sister, nephew, and niece. I haven't seen the kids in over a month. I missed them so much. We ate in Gainesville, did some shopping, went to Sun Country for the kids, and ended the afternoon with TCBY ice cream. Today was really chill too. I got breakfast with my dad and planned to leave early. I stopped by a friend's house and hung out for a bit before I left. Perfect ending for a pretty awesome weekend.
When I got back into Tallahassee, I signed up for tanning. It's not something I've done since senior prom, but I want to feel comfortable in summer clothes, and not so paranoid about how ghostly white I am. I spent more than I planned, but I also got three weeks free tacked on to the month I paid for. One time splurging for myself :D
I'm sure this week is going to bring about loads of rants on how stressed I am. Fair warning.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Filler
I don't have anything major to say, but I felt like I needed to blog about something. Mainly a movie I watched today.
I watched Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind today. It has Jim Carrey in it and Kate Winslet. The movie is about a couple that got their memories erased of each other after a bad relationship. I feel like it was set up sort of weird, I was kind of confused, but it ties all together at the end.
I don't know what type of message it was supposed to give at the end.(SPOILER) What I got out of it was very similar to fate. I am not a huge rely-er on fate. I believe that you have the power to change your life course, but it in the movie, it seemed like even after the crap hit the fan, they still got a second chance. Like even after they took drastic measures to forget each other and move on, they were given a second chance to make it right, to make it happen again. It made me feel good. These two individuals gravitated to each other. I could relate
Good movie. Watch it, even though I spoiled it.
Anyway...training tonight was pretty awesome. Still preparing for next week. Hoping this weekend brings good things. Not feeling too great about it though. :/
I watched Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind today. It has Jim Carrey in it and Kate Winslet. The movie is about a couple that got their memories erased of each other after a bad relationship. I feel like it was set up sort of weird, I was kind of confused, but it ties all together at the end.
I don't know what type of message it was supposed to give at the end.(SPOILER) What I got out of it was very similar to fate. I am not a huge rely-er on fate. I believe that you have the power to change your life course, but it in the movie, it seemed like even after the crap hit the fan, they still got a second chance. Like even after they took drastic measures to forget each other and move on, they were given a second chance to make it right, to make it happen again. It made me feel good. These two individuals gravitated to each other. I could relate
Good movie. Watch it, even though I spoiled it.
Anyway...training tonight was pretty awesome. Still preparing for next week. Hoping this weekend brings good things. Not feeling too great about it though. :/
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Late night rants
This entire post is going to sound like a contradiction, but I'm beyond tired and I'm not letting myself sleep. I want some 'me time' out of my crazy schedule so I'm staying up online instead of sleeping right now. Big things are happening for me right now. Graduation is only a few months away, and I have a graduate school interview next week. With that being said, I can't help but feel like there are just certain people in my life that I cannot live without. Here's where the contradiction comes in. I know logically, I can, have, and might continue to live with out them, but when I think about losing them, or not having them in this next chapter of my life, I seriously want to say bump this, it's not worth it.
I'm sitting on my couch right now wondering how I'm going to get through these next few months. I wish I could take my two best friends everywhere I go right about now. I would pass up my future, my school plans, my dream job, all of it for them. Hands down. Right now. I'd be completely okay with it. I don't think that's bad either. There are independent people out there, people that put themselves first all the time, people that truck on when no one else is around. I've never pretended to be that person. I'm not independent. I need certain people, certain things to happen.
I guess I'm worried about change. Things are changing, good things are happening, but I'm scared how that will affect my relationships right now. I want you to know how much I care about you, how much you affect my daily life, how much I absolutely appreciate and desire your input and guidance. I might not need you, but I really, really want you to be there with me, always.
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