Love Song For No One

I made a playlist yesterday in light of Valentine's Day. I was hesitant to add certain songs. There are certain memories that I don't want to recall, or it's just too painful, but surprisingly, this playlist made me really happy. I don't feel like I have too many days where remembering felt nice, but yesterday it did. These songs brought back a lot of really good times. So here it is. I could have added a lot more, but now, I'm going to just call this the ultimate love song playlist.

1.) Lifeline -Angels & Airwaves
2.) Everything's Magic -Angels & Airwaves
3.) Breathe -Angels & Airwaves
4.) Sing To Me -Before Their Eyes
5.) I Miss You -Blink182
6.) Always Blink182
7.) I'm Lost Without You -Blink182
8.) Two Is Better Than One -BoysLikeGirls
9.) The First One -BoysLikeGirls
10.) Easy To Fall In Love -Brighten
11.) Ready When You are -Brighten
12.) Just Breathe -Brighten
13.) Friends For Lovers -Brighten
14.) Perfect -Burn Season
15.) What About Now? -Chris Daughtry
16.) Realize -Colbie Calliat
17.) Hands Down -Dashboard Confessional
18.) Never Change -Fightstar
19.) Phone Call -Forever The Sickest Kids
20.) Bruised (acoustic) -Jacks Mannequin
21.) Dark Blue -Jacks Mannequin
22.) Heartbreak Warfare -John Mayer
23.) Half Of My Heart -John Mayer
24.) Slow Dancing In A Burning Room -John Mayer
25.) Dreaming With A Broken Heart -John Mayer
26.) I'm Gonna Find Another You -John Mayer
27.) Split Screen Sadness -John Mayer
28.) Baby -Justin Bieber
29.) Fireworks -Katy Perry
30.) Teenage Dream -Katy Perry
31.) Let Me Love You -Mario
32.) I Can't Lie -Maroon 5
33.) Angel -Natasha Beddingfield
34.) Touch -Natasha Beddingfield
35.) King Of Wishful Thinking -New Found Glory
36.) When It rains -Paramore
37.) I Miss You -The Pearly Whites
38.) Against All Odds -Phil Collins
39.) Can't Turn Pack The Years -Phil Collins
40.) Someday -Rob Thomas
41.) The Man Who Can't Be Moved -The Script
42.) Breakeven -The Script
43.) Careless Whisper -Seether
44.) Second Chance -Shinedown
45.) Open Your Eyes -Snow Patrol
46.) Ready When You Are -Trapt

Surprise Surprise

I woke up today expecting to be miserable. I don't like being single. It's not me. I'm not independent in that sense. I want to be in a relationship really badly. Not just any relationship for the sake of it. I know what I want, and it seems so simple to me, but it's not happening....

Regardless, I can't change that I'm alone in that aspect right now. Today was different though. My room mate surprised me and decorated my door. I really appreciated the gesture and I could tell how much thought she put into it. It made me feel happy and special. I needed that. Work was good too. It was a relaxing day, a nice change of pace.

I've been pretty productive lately too, which I'm proud of. I feel like I'm on the go, 24/7 for school, work, or volunteering, so when I accomplish it all without procrastination or giving myself a threatening pep talk to finish my work, I feel accomplished.

So today was surprising. I didn't get the Valentine's Day I wanted. No surprise presents or gestures, but I DID get notice that I got an interview for my top pick grad school, which is probably the best present I could ever get right now. I didn't spend the entire day depressed, and I listened to A LOT of good music. It was actually pretty good. Even as I type this, my night is getting better. :)

I wanna post the playlist I made, but it's really long, maybe another day. Happy Valentine's Day :)

Lie to me

I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you.

Right?

:(

After a day like today....

All I wanna do is complain, so here we go.

I didn't get any sleep last night. I woke up so many times I lost count. I also had a nightmare last night. You think that waking up so many times would make it go away, or usually if you stay awake long enough you won't have that dream again. Nope. Not last night. Every time I DID fall back asleep, I went right back into that nightmare. It was awful and by the time I got up for work I was not only sick with exhaustion, I felt absolutely miserable and upset. It was such a bad dream and it put me in an awful mood. :(

And since I'm complaining, I'm going to take it a step further and say some things I've been wanting to say for a while now.
If you don't feel like talking, that's fine. We don't have to. I'm sick of these god dang games.
I'm sick of trying so dang hard for people who don't do jack for me or act like they give a damn.
I'm sick of busting my butt in all aspects of life and seeming like it's getting me no where.
I'm tired of caring in general. It doesn't seem like it's paying off anymore and it's making me a bitter person.
My life needs to change directions, but you see, I don't think I really want that. I try so dang hard for the people in my life because they mean something to me. They're there for a reason, and I care about them. Why is it too much to ask for the same dang effort in return? Why? Why am I not worth it?

I'm sick of asking myself that question.

:D

This has been a great Christmas break. Hope this is a preview of what's to come in 2011 :D

new years resolution?

There's so much this semester that is happening that I don't like. It's very evident if you're involved in any aspect of my life. I'm unhappy.

I try to give myself some credit for some changes though. I overcame a huge obstacle this semester and have been powering through all of the graduation processes and apply to grad school stuff, but there are a lot of things I'm still letting slide in my life that contribute to my daily unhappiness.

Isn't that baffling? I know I'm not the only one who does it, but to sit here, daily, weekly, whatever, and KNOW what things are huge factors in my unhappiness, but not changing it.

I want to change it. I hope I change it. I hope by the new year I'll have more of an understanding of this situation and have more of a concrete way of executing the change. Support is much needed.

so this is what I want to try to do, regardless of the year, just soon:
1.) delete my facebook, permanently
2.) continue the battle against my weight
3.) redefine some unhealthy friendships
4.) continue to curb my nosiness and jealousy
5.) do more things for myself

It's been a while

I feel like I haven't blogged in a while. I am not sure if it makes a difference to anyone, but I figured I'd just do a short update.

But you see, I don't know what to say. When people ask me how I've been lately, how is school going, what I've been up to, I honestly have nothing good to say. I try to rationalize that with I've never liked Tallahassee, so it's no different this year, but basically, I'm really unhappy. I feel like I made some progress at the end of August, early September, but I'm sinking back into a really bad place again. :(

At any given moment it's really easy for me to just burst into tears. I feel like I can't find my footing anymore. I don't know :(

So like I said, I guess I don't have much to say. Nothing has really changed since this summer. I'm really unhappy.