Fireworks

So today has been a pretty good day. I had a LONG talk with one my friends last night. It was pretty great. I think I needed that, just someone I can listen to, and be listened by. That meant I was up pretty darn late though, but I felt okay today.

I went to work this morning, and it flew by. It was pretty steady with all the last minute barbeque shopping. I got off a little early too, so I got a nap in. Mallory and I are going to go watch fireworks tonight. It should be fun. I'm trying to get all the room mate bonding in that I can before I go. Only 32 more days until graduation. 57 days until my trip to New Jersey.

I just realized this is turning into a 'What I'm Grateful For' post. The past few weeks have been REALLY rough, but I've been praying and and I can see what God has given me out of the crappiness. I'm getting closer to my sister again. We've been hanging out more, and talking more. I'm probably transferring some of my desire to talk to certain friends, onto other friends, so that's a step back in the independent category, but I think it's okay. It's nice to have different people to talk to, or people that WANT to talk to me too.

I'm grateful for my supportive room mates, my sister, and old friendships. Nothing beats having those people right now. I hope these bonds stay this way and continue to get stronger.



In other news, it's thundering....God's fireworks? It needs to rain, dry up, and get nice out before about 7:30pm. I'm watching some fireworks dang it!

Celebrating The 4th...And Being Independent

I've mentioned in a lot of my previous blogs how hard it is for me to be independent. I've listed so many excuses why, and honestly, I can't narrow it down to one reason. I AM a people person. I'd like to think that's the main reason I don't like being alone, but I don't even know anymore. It's such an adjustment trying to just do things for me. Not making plans with other people, or FOR other people. Based around other people. How ever you want to spin it.

That being said, I did absolutely my own thing this weekend. I didn't want to stay at my apartment by myself, especially after feeling crappy this week. I went to lunch with my supervisor from the prison Friday, then headed to my sister's house for the weekend. We stayed at her house Friday, ate good food, and spent time with the kids. I loveeeeee my niece and nephew. They make me so incredibly happy. Saturday we got up, loaded the boat, and went to Steinhatchee to go scalloping. It was nice relaxing in the sun, still hanging out with the kids, and being on the boat. It took us FOREVER to get out of the water though. Everyone and their mother was on a boat trying to unload.

I ended up driving back to my mom's house late Saturday night. I had some plans, and they fell through, so I called it a night. I tried to do some stuff with my Dad this morning, but he hasn't been feeling well either. I headed back to my apartment early in the afternoon. No reason to really stick around I guess.

I'm not sure what's in store for this week. I have to work. Mallory and I were talking about going to see fireworks tomorrow. I might end up hanging out with a friend tomorrow if they ever make up their mind. I really hope my heart isn't bothering me all week again. We shall see. Rachel's first birthday party is next weekend, so I guess I'm going home again.

I'm still not feeling so great emotionally, but what can you do? I just have to roll with it.

Not With A Bang, But A Fizzle...

The past few days have been really hard on me. I've been really emotional, and this pain I'm having in my heart is just making things worse. It's so weird. Normally this never happens to me this long. I'm guessing it's stress, but at the same time, I've been more stressed than this before and I've never had this pain for this long.

Setting up an appointment with the cardiologist is taking longer than I thought. It's been four days now that I've had this pain, and I don't think I'll see a specialist for a few weeks. Doing class, and the hotline haven't been bad, but work isn't easy like this. I keep getting short of breath and really tired.

Aside from not feeling well, I hung out with a friend I haven't seen in a long time. I'm not sure how I feel about it. It was nice to see them again, and I definitely needed the time to de-stress, but it was sort of frustrating too. I'm not sure we'll hang out anymore either which is annoying. Things seem to be coming and going out of my life quickly these days. I don't understand why things are happening like they are, and I'm not sure how to respond to this all. I've been praying like crazy hoping something will start to make sense.

Nothing too big planned for the holiday weekend either. I didn't feel like traveling, but it turns out if I stay here, I'll be the only one at my apartment. I'm definitely not wanting to be alone right now, so I think I might visit my sister for part of the weekend. I'm avoiding going home. I'm not happy there right now.

Complain, complain, complain. I'm just not happy :(

You Broke My Heart...Literally

Today has been rough, but before I explain why, I need to recap a little bit about yesterday.

I worked yesterday 7am-2pm, had some things to do at the crisis hotline, then went to campus to do some work. It wasn't too hectic, but I stayed busy. I didn't feel good on and off, but it wasn't anything out of the ordinary. My heart was bothering me a little. It sort of felt like the feeling I get right before I'm going to pass out, but it subsided quickly.

Today though, hasn't been as easy. I woke up at 6am to be at work at 7. I was tired, but I always am in the morning for a little bit. My heart started bothering me again and I was starting to get paranoid. It didn't go away after like 20 minutes or so like it normally does. I started feeling a lot worse. It felt like someone was squeezing my heart and sitting on my chest. I felt like no matter how many breaths I took, I wasn't getting enough air. I started feeling really sluggish and dizzy too.

I ended up leaving work at 12pm instead of 1pm. I wanted to get to the doctor in time before my class started at 2pm. At the doctors they did an EKG on my heart and the doctor told me my heart was skipping beats. I didn't know how I felt about this. All the dang tests I've taken at Shands on my heart and brain to find out why I pass out and no one could ever tell me. The doctor said it probably never showed up on their tests because it wasn't happening right then like it was now. He told me I'd be fine, but that he wanted to refer me to a cardiologist to see about getting it fixed...How do you even fix a heart that skips beating?

It's been 9 hours now and I still feel this way. It's really uncomfortable, and it's just making me more and more exhausted. I'm not on any medicine or special restrictions except for no extra exercise. It's just really weird to me. I'm not sure if it's stress related or not. I am pretty stressed right now though.

I made it to my class in time. I was worried that if I was late I'd be dropped from the course and then I couldn't graduate. I also called out of the hotline tonight. I really just want to lay down.

Craziness though. I wasn't expecting my day to take such a weird turn.

Mistake

Things HAVE to change. I don't know how I can keep going on like this. I can't believe I'm back to where I was exactly a year ago. How can a years worth of progress slip away so fast? This is supposed to be the time of my life. Graduating college... being on my own.

I don't understand what I'm supposed to do now.


Lord help me keep my sanity right now.

Circle of Trust

I had a girl's night tonight....and I'm so grateful for it. Some girls from the hotline, Amanda, and I got dinner, then went back to one of the girl's apartments to sit and talk. It was so great. The girls had some wine, and Amanda and I shared some Mike's Hard Cranberry Lemonade. It was so unbelievably comfortable. No one was drunk what-so-ever, but we were just in a sharing mood.

We all got along really well. It started with the expected 211 gossip, transitioned to guys, then to weird habits, then to shocking facts about ourselves. It was a GREAT night. I really needed this. We're planning to go out again in a few weeks. I love our group cohesion, and how everyone totally included Amanda. She didn't feel like the outsider at all among all of us 211-ers. I love it.

Still praying that things get easier.

I'm Losing At The Game Of Life

I don't even really know what to say right now. I still feel depressed. I don't want to think about how I'd be right now if Amanda wasn't here, and if my room mates weren't home, or if I wasn't forced to go to work, and if I didn't have the hotline training to keep me busy. I know I'm still not explaining why I'm upset, but I just can't right now. I know that makes it difficult to understand, and it might be frustrating to those around me, but right now my thoughts are my enemy.

I'm not sure what to do. Parts of me want to let it all out. Have an intense crying session, mull it over in my mind, and try to move forward. Another part of me is wanting to push it all deep inside of me so I can just get through the day. I have so many responsibilities right now, I can't afford to break down in the middle of the day. This is such dejavu for me. I feel exactly like I did when Thomas and I broke up. I was devastated, fall semester of my senior year was starting, I had to take the GRE, apply to graduate school, and pass all of my classes. I was grateful to be busy, but I couldn't escape my mind. It's the same thing now.

Ugh :(

I went to work today. I ended up leaving work early Monday morning because I kept getting upset at work. I have to work tomorrow too. Getting through work and training tonight was absolutely draining. For the whole day I felt like my body had been beaten and that I hadn't slept for days. Now that I'm home though, it's late, and I have to be up early, I can't sleep though. I can't turn my thoughts off. It's very contradicting feeling. I want so badly to have distractions, but at the same time I just want to lay around. I have a bad feeling about this weekend. I'm going home, I want to see my family, but I don't think going home is going to be a good idea.

I feel like this post was really unorganized. I can't think straight and I feel terrible. What I was trying to get at is I'm still here...sort of avoiding the computer, trying to feel better, trying to figure out my next move.

I hope more than anything that Shinedown said it best....

"Sometimes goodbye is a second chance."