I'm Losing At The Game Of Life

I don't even really know what to say right now. I still feel depressed. I don't want to think about how I'd be right now if Amanda wasn't here, and if my room mates weren't home, or if I wasn't forced to go to work, and if I didn't have the hotline training to keep me busy. I know I'm still not explaining why I'm upset, but I just can't right now. I know that makes it difficult to understand, and it might be frustrating to those around me, but right now my thoughts are my enemy.

I'm not sure what to do. Parts of me want to let it all out. Have an intense crying session, mull it over in my mind, and try to move forward. Another part of me is wanting to push it all deep inside of me so I can just get through the day. I have so many responsibilities right now, I can't afford to break down in the middle of the day. This is such dejavu for me. I feel exactly like I did when Thomas and I broke up. I was devastated, fall semester of my senior year was starting, I had to take the GRE, apply to graduate school, and pass all of my classes. I was grateful to be busy, but I couldn't escape my mind. It's the same thing now.

Ugh :(

I went to work today. I ended up leaving work early Monday morning because I kept getting upset at work. I have to work tomorrow too. Getting through work and training tonight was absolutely draining. For the whole day I felt like my body had been beaten and that I hadn't slept for days. Now that I'm home though, it's late, and I have to be up early, I can't sleep though. I can't turn my thoughts off. It's very contradicting feeling. I want so badly to have distractions, but at the same time I just want to lay around. I have a bad feeling about this weekend. I'm going home, I want to see my family, but I don't think going home is going to be a good idea.

I feel like this post was really unorganized. I can't think straight and I feel terrible. What I was trying to get at is I'm still here...sort of avoiding the computer, trying to feel better, trying to figure out my next move.

I hope more than anything that Shinedown said it best....

"Sometimes goodbye is a second chance."